Real World
Landon's Huge Boner

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"I Wanna Be the Girl In the Hot Tub"

Poor McKenzie knows enough about The Real World to know that any footage of a girl in a hot tub is going to make it to air. She mistakenly thinks that wearing a t-shirt in the water will make her seem either (a) modest or (b) less interesting to show on television. Instead it makes her seem (c) fat. And she's not. But her t-shirt has cows on it. A lot of them. And that's just mean. She's not fat, but she looks so Bible Camp in the hot tub in her t-shirt and ponytail, probably totally sober, just wishing she hadn't taken that dare from her sorority sisters to be on this dumb MTV show. Landon shares with us the bullshit lie McKenzie used to get access to his bedroom: she claims she's never been in a hot tub before. Bwa! Gold star for you, McKenzie. Tell him you've never owned a hundred-dollar bill before, either. See what happens. Landon thinks he's the big man for letting McKenzie soak in the tub: "I wanted to grant her that one little wish." Slow clap for you, Landon. Slow clap for you.

Shavonda tells us she's watching Landon and McKenzie in the hot tub and all she wants is to be the girl in the hot tub. We then watch Landon prepare for his blowjob from McKenzie. He closes his curtain and lends McKenzie his filthy t-shirt.

Shavonda pretends she reads for pleasure.

Landon and McKenzie sleep with all the lights on. There are seventeen Aquafina bottles at Landon's side.

Shavonda has just finished reading page one of her book. It had a lot of words, y'all. Shut up! It didn't even have pictures.

Split-screen infrared shows us Shavonda not sleeping while Landon and McKenzie sleep with the covers around their ankles so we can see just how much they aren't having sex. MJ moves in for some dry humping; Shavonda attempts sleeping sitting up.

Sweet, sweet commercial bliss.

The morning after, Landon just wants to get McKenzie out of the house "as soon as possible." He blames Shavonda for this, saying he doesn't want to make it "strange" for her to be in "her own house." We see Landon walk McKenzie out of the house. A car passes. A fire truck roars past, sirens blaring. McKenzie gets out of the SUV and thanks Landon for the ride. Make of that montage what you may. So I told her, we'd still be friends...

Landon tells us that he's single, he knows he's single and Shavonda knows he's single, but that his bringing a girl home was still mean to Shavonda because it made her feel "less important than she is." Immediately we cut to Shavonda and Landon in bed together, snuggling, because Shavonda has issues. Look, in theory I could recap this scene, where Landon tells Shavonda he didn't have sex with McKenzie, and Shavonda tells us she's relieved to find out there was just kissing and licking and sucking instead of, whatever she thinks is some kind of sacred act. But the problem is that Landon is wearing green striped underpants and not much else and he's sporting some serious wood. I have the smallest television of anyone I know, and my neighbors called to complain about the indecency. My cat ran across the room, terrified. My coffee cup knocked over, spilling everything. My right eye? Poked out. Landon's enormous boner has taken over my living room. It is chaos. The green stripes! The outline of both the...cue and the...balls. I can see his balls, okay? And I don't want to. And it's not just because I've paused my TiVo, okay? This would have happened no matter how slow my slow-mo go, okay? I don't have the problem. Landon's huge boner has the problem. He's going on my list of people to sue one day for emotional pain and suffering. Right underneath Vincent Gallo. Shavonda tells us this grammatically-challenged sentence: "I can tell myself until the cows come home that I don't like Landon, that I would never be with him, but, in the end, you know, my emotions caught up with me and kicked me in my ass and was like, 'You're bullshit.'" Outside, I hear Landon's boner overturn my car.

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Real World

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