Real World
Landon's Huge Boner

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Pamie: C- | Grade It Now!
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"I Wanna Be the Girl In the Hot Tub"

"Willie's friend" Victor accidentally calls MJ "Landon." I don't know why that's important, other than that Melanie confesses that she does this, too, and considering that this is day three of their last day in the house, it's a bit of a dis. They are at "Fat Tuesday," a fake "Fat Tuesdays," which is a fake Mardi Gras, which is...well, sad. Willie has his foot propped up on the bar, this Mardi Gras-themed bar where people probably get beads and flash tits for drink discounts, announcing that he has something very serious to discuss. Willie needs some instruction on "time" and how it relates to "place." It is quite serious, actually, that his mother has told his little brothers that his soul will burn in Hell on account of his being gay. Now, this is sad, and I know he needs his friends to comfort him, but it's almost time for everyone to do Jell-O shots off a stripper's thong crack, so if he could hurry that up, MJ would feel a little less forced-gay. MJ keeps calling it "The Gay World," like he thinks any minute now a producer will come from around the camera and apologize for accidentally putting him on the wrong show. I don't watch this show, so I don't know what southern state MJ is from, but homeboy's got an incest face like I haven't seen in a long time.

Willie tells us he's in a terrible, painful, emotional situation. He tells us this in front of a blue screen backdrop that loudly neons, "STEAKS!" It's very hard to take anyone seriously when they're standing in front of a storefront so fake it's like an episode of Hee Haw. Poor drunk Willie says he'd really like it if his little brothers didn't think of him as a demonic soul. MJ voice-overs to us how he can't believe he's actually watching a man cry, in public no less, about something that has nothing to do with basketball or football or even faggoty hockey. It makes him realize that Willie is more than just a gay: he's, like, almost a human, capable of emotions and total chick tears. And that's like, a whole nother level of things that make him totally distance himself from Willie. That's more than gay culture; that's girl culture. And that shit is off-putting to MJ. He says this is the first time he's "been around someone expressing their feelings [sic]." He sounds like Will Forte doing his George Bush impression. "I'm not used to be being around that." MJ opens his dumb mouth to inform Willie that he's gay, not making a choice. "It's the person that you are. It's not this gay..." -- MJ needs to make jazz hands up toward God at this point to show just how gay Willie appears to be -- "stereotype that I put onto you." MJ does not know when to quit. He tells Willie that he's known since the first day that he met Willie that there's an aura around him. MJ drawls, "There's no way that a spirit like yours could burn in Hell." Drunk Melanie gives an Amen, saying that's the best way someone could ever put it. Slow clap for you, straight people. Slow clap for you.

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Real World

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