Hi, everybody! My name is Jame Gumb and I live in...well, I can't tell you because the FBI is looking for me (sorry, jerks! fool me once...) but it's snowy outside and I'm tucked safe and warm inside my fortress (apartment). Just to orient you, I'm wearing my Donna Lipowski cape and nothing else. I have a bowl of just-popped Kettle Corn (delicious!) and a nice frosty glass of Diet Coke with Lime (sour! ;-p) and I'm relaxing in my beanbag chair with my Dell laptop propped up on my just-shaved thighs. I would totally f*** me. Plus, Precious is lounging at my feet, which is just the cutest thing. Nothing can ruin my day...not even the giant African moths that keep clustering around my laptop screen or Catherine screaming from down inside my well. Yes, for those of you who read my website, Catherine is still alive. I know. I know! I'm in a period of severe stasis with regards to killing her. She's grown on me, you know? I sorta think I'd miss her constant screaming if I got rid of her. Plus the smell. Who knows, maybe my new job as a recapper will buck me up and I'll finally be able to put on my night-vision glasses, kill her, and make a couple hats out of her skin. Yes, only hats, because stupid Catherine refuses to eat much, and has lost over fifty pounds since she's been in residence Chez Well. Stupid bitch isn't even a big ol' fat person anymore! (Are you? Come visit if you are! LOL.) All she's good for are a couple of beanies and maybe some tooth earrings or something. It really is very depressing. I only amuse myself with the notion that she never did feed that dumb cat of hers that was still meowing at the window as we drove away in my van. Hee hee. Sometimes when I'm really mad at it after it's refused to rub the lotion on its skin or after it's lured Precious down into the well yet again, or even just when it insists on ruining Desperate Housewives by screaming or singing Tom Petty songs -- whom she knows I hate! -- I like to tell it how its cat probably died years ago from malnutrition. It's funny how she cries and cries after that. Never fails! Then, when she refuses to stop crying, I have to poke her unconscious with a stick.
But enough about stupid Catherine -- you must all be wondering how I got this job recapping. Well, it's simple. I've been a big fan of the site for years. I love reading all the funny recaps, though I secretly thought I could do much better. (Omar, I'm looking in your direction!) Anyway, one day I was banned from the boards for no good reason! After I cried for a few days, realized I was in danger of entering into a severe shame spiral and I bucked up, tucked my penis between my legs and did a few affirmation into the mirror -- and then I contacted Wing Chun and told her that I would kill her whole family and shove Sars into a well if she didn't give me a shot! I'm sooooooo excited she said yes! And with such a phenomenal show as The Real World, too. It's been on for fifteen years! Fifteen years ago I was just an aspiring fake tranny living in Michig-- Somewhere in the mid-west.