Real World
Meet Old Heather

Episode Report Card
Alex Richmond: D | Grade It Now!
Meet Old Heather

Anyway, inside Old Heather's apartment, Mike is in bed, under the sheets, and shirtless. Oh my! Not. Old Heather leaps on top of him. She's clad, sadly, in a black short-sleeved turtleneck and what a friend calls "Big Ass Pants," which are just khakis, but you know, they make everyone's ass look huge. Just say no to pleats. Squash it! They roll around for a while, then we get an above-the-bed shot of them, which was totally the cameraperson standing on a chair. Jesus! Leave the room, perv. Mike then says via interview that "[Old] Heather wants marriage, commitment, kids...I don't." So, WHY'D YOU GO TO BOSTON, you fraud? Criminy.

Dan's mom is preparing to make a huge dinner for everyone. The brothers horse around by the pool. No running! Leroy gets a lot of screen time. There are some meatballs cooking in a pan, there's spaghetti, there's wine, there's a salad. We're fifteen minutes into this episode and I'm bored out of my mind. Where is the threesome already?!

Boston at night. It's still not snowing. There are cabs, there's the exterior of a restaurant, and wham, we're inside, spying on Mike's dinner with Old Heather. Old Heather, not even a nodding acquaintance with self-respect, says, "'I could walk down that aisle tomorrow.' That's what I thought you said." Mike says he could, "given the circumstances." How incredibly lame. Old Heather says, "What's that, a gun to your head?" Woman, he's NOT WORTH IT. Find someone else -- maybe someone, um, OLDER? I hear Abraham Lincoln is a hot number. And then there's God! Whoo-wee. He's divine. Heh. Mike continues shoveling food into his mouth and mumbles, "We gotta see where things stand." Old Heather says, "That's a lame excuse." WORD. I just SAID "lame"! Lame lame lame!

Dan's teaching his mom to rollerblade. Good thing she has the pads and helmet on, because she fully wipes out more than once, and Dan just laughs like a maniac. Well, people falling down is always funny. Just seeing Judd wiping out on rollerblades on the SF Real World made me laugh 'til I cried.

Bing-Bong! It's Arnie! He enters and kisses Dan's mom. How sweet! He meets Dan's little brother John, who according to Joe, is "freaking." Joe takes him outside to the breeders-only pen where they play manly pool and talk about chicks, or something. Dan calls Arnie "a parent's dream" because he's a big fancy lawyer and all. Dan's mom shares her homemade cookies with Arnie and he says they're delicious.

We're back in Boston now. There's Charles Gate and Commonwealth. Mike's parked at Old Heather's computer (how modern of her!) keying in his business plan-type thing. Old Heather leans over his shoulder (which really helps the work process, not) and asks, "Is this your usual b.s.?" Nice burn! Mike makes uncomfortable noises until she asks, "Am I making you nervous?" Old Heather has finally won my respect for fucking with Mike like this. He deserves it!

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Real World




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