Real World
Meet Old Heather

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Alex Richmond: D | Grade It Now!
Meet Old Heather

Old Heather and Mike ride in a cab to the airport. Once there, they snuggle. Old Heather gums a Blow Pop. Sour apple or watermelon? I can't tell from here. Mike says, "It'll be hard for me to live a life without her," and then adds, "The timing is off." Good-bye, Old Heather. You'll love again. Is Adam Rich from Eight is Enough still around? If he hasn't aged a day since then, maybe you can step to him.

Miami airport. Joe picks Mike up and tells him all about Dan's family weekend. Imagine hearing this in his ridiculous Brooklynese: "Dan's mom cooked. She went OWF. Sauwsage, meat bawls, chicken, awll in the sauwce." Dude, was it "bawss"? I laugh so loud the dog wakes up and brings over his ball. Sadly, this episode isn't over yet.

Dan's mom likes Arnie. Dan is happy about that. Dude, didn't they break up already because Arnie's in the closet? Continuity, people! Dan's entire family goes for a walk on the beach at night, and Dan's mom has a real Ashley Judd/Ruby in Paradise moment where she runs into the waves and tastes the ocean. "It's warm!" It's okay, she's from Kansas.

Mike's in the hot tub with yet another hot banana named Heather. No, not Old Heather. A shiny new Heather. He tells her about his Old Heather issues, and that he won't ask her to marry him for two or three years because he's not ready. She says, "It isn't fair. You want a bagel around to have for breakfast whether you're going to eat it or not. You just want it around. It's not fair to the bagel." I really hope these guys are high right now, or suffering from hot-tub exhaustion, because that is one ridiculous analogy. But I get it. Not-old Heather says, "Just say I can't do it now, period." Mike says, "I don't know what the fuck I want," and sinks to the bottom of the hot tub and lays there like a soggy bagel. Heather prods him with her foot but he doesn't surface. I know what Mike wants. A threesome! Bring it on, already.

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Real World




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