Real World
Melissa is My Unfunny Valentine

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Melissa is My Unfunny Valentine

Julie says that there are lots of things in the world that she doesn't like, but she just deals with it and goes on. She and Alan are having a chat in her bedroom. Matt walks in and then asks if it's a "family conversation," but Julie sits up like a puppy and pants to indicate that she would love for him to join them. Or something close to that. Matt sits down on the bed next to Julie, who immediately takes that as an invitation to lay her head on his chest. Oh, then it all gets really, really bad. Seriously, I deserve combat pay for this segment. As Matt lies down on the bed, everything goes all fuzzy and slow motion. As Julie voice-overs that Matt has "a beautiful mouth," we see slow-motion shots of Matt's mouth talking, and then Matt eating a peach! Good god, why don't they just have Julie eating a banana and then Matt eating a taco. The next shot is Matt eating a taco. Just kidding! But it's almost as bad. Julie voice-overs, "His lips are just perfect." We get two extreme close-ups of Matt's pale, thin, scary lips. Did he pay her to say this? Julie continues my torture by saying, "I can't talk to someone when I'm just like, 'Wow, you have a gorgeous mouth.'" Okay, seriously, she needs to get laid. Badly. Matt's super albino powers sense his impending doom and his sensors tell him to regress to the third grade, so he makes a farting noise and tells Julie his armpit farted on her head, and then hightails it out of there. He really did that. Now Julie's all fired up, and she hasn't gotten that masturbation lesson from Melissa yet, so her eyes land on...her brother. Alan tells her she's stupid because she says she hates Matt and then he comes in the room and she's all over him. Julie starts beating him up, and they wrestle on the bed for a while. Alan says he must have struck a nerve or she wouldn't be reacting this way. The most disturbing part is when he says, "Because you let him touch you for two seconds, you're all..." So she's taking out her sexual frustration on her brother? Jesus, when did The Real World turn into a V.C. Andrews novel? In an interview, Julie says that Alan will tell her when she's being stupid. Dude, that's a full-time job. Alan says that he knows her too well and that she would hate it if he lived there because he would call her on all her stupid things.

The phone rings. It's Paul, and Danny asks him if he's in uniform right now. Paul says that actually he's not wearing anything, which Danny thinks is "even better." Danny asks Paul to show up at his house, and Paul says he has to work, but that Danny should expect something the next day between 8 and 9 (he doesn't say AM or PM). Danny says he'll be there. Paul promises it's not "a dancing telegram." In an interview, Danny says that something is going to be sent to him and he has no clue what it is. Do they think we were asleep through that whole segment, so they have to repeat it? Actually, that's not a bad assumption.

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Real World

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