M.Y.O.B.: Bad Seed
Opal goes into a bathroom stall just as Portia Junior exits one, smoking. Opal tells her not to smoke. Portia Junior smooths her hair for about the tenth time this episode. She's disgusted that Opal didn't wash her hands after using the bathroom. Opal starts lecturing her. Portia Junior reveals that she is the child of Opal's sister, Pearl. What is with this family and the jewels? Lauren Graham, who plays Opal, should definitely hire the hair and makeup artists from this show to do her new fall drama on the WB, because she looks fabulous. Back in her office, Opal tells Mitch that Portia Junior could not possibly be her niece because Pearl was never pregnant. We find out that Pearl moved to Finland fifteen years ago with a cult, but Opal has e-mailed her the latest developments.
Portia Junior is in Opal's house, rummaging through her things. She makes some more meta references about how normally television shows pan across a living room, showing photographs and "queer souvenirs" in lieu of character development. Opal wonders how Portia Junior got her birth records, and Portia Junior reveals that her friend hacked into the state adoption records. Portia Junior's name was Marie at birth. She says her adopted mother was a disgruntled postal worker who shot a bunch of innocent people, in a backstory so completely unnecessary that it's just annoying. Opal points out that the birth records could have been forged since they don't have the state seal on them, but she's going to let Portia Junior spend the night anyway. Portia Junior watches the preview channel because it's "soothing." Opal claims she never watches television, but then says that Law & Order is always on. I wish it were on my television set right now instead of this crap show.