MONDO EXTRAS

A.J. (that's Colin) raises his upper lip and blinks a lot. That's how Colin chooses to portray stupidity. Opal runs into the office and tells him to turn the television on. Sleazy Guy from the hotel is the superintendent, and he makes Mitch the new principal in a press conference. Who has a press conference to announce a high school principal?

Opal tells Portia Junior that Mitch married one of his former students when she claimed to be pregnant, but then it turned out she wasn't. Portia Junior admires this former student for using her head. Opal's all mad at Portia Junior for being a "new modern woman". I would go into more detail, but believe me, it's not worth it. Opal says that Pearl (Portia Junior's alleged mom) was like Portia Junior -- drunk with power over boys. Opal reveals that she got an e-mail from Pearl, saying that she was never pregnant.

God, is this show still on? Okay, Opal offers to get a blood test because it's possible that Pearl is lying. Portia Junior is touched, so she calls the hotel and gets a receipt from the room she got with Sleazy Guy/Superintendent. She goes to Sleazy Guy's house and blackmails him into making Opal the principal. Opal is mad that she didn't get the job on her own merits, and makes Sleazy Guy admit that she is more qualified than Mitch, which he does. Mitch gets all pissed off and vows revenge.

Colin does some paperwork with his upper lip wrinkled.

Portia Junior says that Opal tried to find her a foster family and couldn't. She's staying until the "very special episode where [she] finds [her] birth mother." Enough with the meta-references! Portia Junior hopes that we, the viewers, are not disappointed that this is just like every other television show. If we are, she tells us we can always watch Law & Order. Thanks for the suggestion! It's time for me to do just that.