Real World
No Friends Of Mine

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Putting The "Pain" In "Campaign"

Message to MTV.com: I understand that there are no scripts for reality shows, and thus, most episodes don't have titles from initial conception, printed on everything from video reels to computer files to to press notes. However, if you're going to decide to create titles and post them on your website, do it. You have made that decision -- to write "recaps" for the episodes and post the titles on your hideous browser-freezing website -- and so it is now a duty that must be performed by someone. We can agree about that, right? The problem is that whomever you've assigned to do it sucks. The titles are always posted late -- and sometimes, as it happened last season, not at all. And it's not like you have big creative MTV.com meetings to pitch episode titles -- conference calls with producers from the show. Because these titles clearly have been given minimal thought. I give my fake episode titles more thought, and they're awful. Here's my guess as to the assigning of the episode titles: twenty-three-year-old Production Assistant Nicole drives her 1999 Hyundai Sonata from her apartment in North Hollywood over the hill to the MTV.com offices (listening to Star 98.7 the whole way, which she feels is way better now that they've gotten rid of that horrible Bonaduce guy). She makes her way up to the offices and unlocks the big double wooden doors, collecting the trades from where they've been stuck through the mail slot. She spends a few minutes going around opening the offices, making coffee in the kitchen, and putting out the Entenmann's coffee cake with paper plates and plastic knives. Then she fires up her computer and fucks around with her MySpace page for a while. As the first few employees arrive, she realizes that she has yet to make up a title for the episode and quickly posts one, having "forgotten" to watch the episode last night but she's sure no one will know because frankly, ever since they haphazardly assigned her this job, no one has so much as mentioned it again. It's kind of spooky, actually. She could probably not put up a title at all one week, or put up something horribly inappropriate, like "Boobies" or "Tyler Likes Penis" (her roommate Brian thought up that one, and it still makes her giggle). Then she gets bored and pours herself some coffee and eats half the Entenmann's which launches her into a shame spiral which will only be momentarily broken when the ugly-cute editor comes by her cubicle and flirts with her for a while.

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Real World

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