Previously on...Tyler approved of the job the kids did on the salon. Paula yelled at John, "Kiss my ass!," as she is wont to do. Paula finally saw a shrink. He told her that she's depressed and anxious and that he could help her. She thought she'd hit rock bottom. It's 9 AM on a gorgeous Saturday and I'm the one recapping in bed with headphones next to my sleeping wife instead of going back to sleep myself or doing other fun bedroom stuff. Tell me who has hit rock bottom?
Opening credits. The high point of seven people's lives. Sad.
Water. Sun. Mystic Tan. Paula jumps out the window. Zach shows someone a t-shirt. Paula decorates the front window with detritus from the floor. Zach camera-fros that they're doing something called a "soft opening," and then a bigger Grand Opening the following week. In other words, they couldn't get their shit together. Zach squeegees the window. Bossman Ricky Croft puts a shower cap on John's head as John tells us that he's decided to be the guinea pig. Bossman Ricky Croft makes them watch "the video." Yeah, maybe as employees they should know what's on the stupid tape they make people watch before getting cancer...I mean, "chemical tanner" applied to their skin. In the video, a hot-ish girl gets sprayed. It looks horrifying.
Bossman Ricky Croft stands by as John picks the "hyper-tan" option, going in naked. Jose sits on the couch. Zach laughs outside the basically see-through booth (lawsuit!), and John shrieks as the spray hits him. It really looks like the worst choice a person could make. Zach and Jose laugh. John turns around. The kids steal John's boxers. He has to inch out naked. (And I do mean "inch.")
Beach. Beach. Sunbathers. Sly commentary on the folly of having a fake tanning place on a tiny island near the Equator? Sky. Sky. Terrible statue. House. John is chemically tanned. Janelle thinks John has cute feet. John displays his ass to see if it got tanned. Janelle looks away, hating his ass. John thinks she wants to take a "bite out of that thing."
Water. Night. Bars. Bars. Zach camera-managers that they're going out on the town to pimp the salon. Yeah, that'll be a fun night out for all. Zach says they realize that their market is "awesome here." You mean, a bunch of stupid, drunk kids with little direction in life? Yeah, I guess so. Paula sells. John sells. Svet sells. John also uses the sales pitch to try to pick up whores. It doesn't work.
Lamppost. Day. Water. Salon. The kids arrive for the big Soft Opening. A sad "We're Open" sign sits on the ground, propped up against the wall outside. Nice try. It's like a school for special kids is having a car wash or something. Tyler arrives. "Clock this girl in," he tells Paula, calling himself a girl. John didn't sleep last night, and decides to take a nap there in this little closet he refers to as his "office." He lies next to giant vats of chemicals. Cancer.