So the Bunim/Murray henchmen are all sitting around the conference table, wondering what else they can do to torture the Los Angeles cast. First, they cast Beth. Then they made Dom, Tami and Jon drive all over creation in a Winnebago. Then, they hid David's meds. Then they bribed Aaron and Glen to talk the rest of the roommates into agreeing to live with Glen. What new evil can they unleash upon humanity? What new form of torture can they introduce into the Beachhouse of Banality? As they muse, Eric Nies dances topless in front of Mary-Ellis Bunim, who idly slips a quarter into his Speedo. As Nies's stomach muscles undulate, it comes to her (insert your own Eric Nies Sex Joke here. I can't bring myself to think about it anymore). The ultimate torture: Outward Bound.
I had to go on an Outward Bound-style trip (run by a group with the unmelodious moniker Boojum) in junior high, rowing down the Colorado River, and it was hell. Pure hell on earth. A few years later, some kids on a similar trip (one actually run by Outward Bound, if I remember correctly) were killed due to their trip leaders' gross incompetence, and I was not surprised. Any group that makes a bunch of thirteen-year-olds row forty miles a day, never gives any of us a swimming test, and packs one gallon of milk (which Justin Collins downed all by himself the very first day out) for a five-day trip with forty kids ain't exactly being run by brainiacs. I have a serious problem with some of these "suffer in the wilderness without decent food and no shade in order to build character and trust amongst a group of people who shouldn't trust each other to begin with" kind of trips. Just so you know. I mean, couldn't the same measure of suffering and, therefore, trust building, be achieved with a Rae Dawn Chong movie marathon? Soul Man alone ought to do it. With much less potential for death. Unless we're counting self-inflicted wounds, of course.
The roommates are all thrilled about their Outward Bound adventure, probably because they have no idea of the hell that it entails, poor innocent darlings. Beth giggles girlishly that she's excited, because she's always wanted to go camping, but never has, and she doesn't know what to expect. There are so many huge differences between camping (which I don't really like either, because I'm fond of sheets and room service, but which can certainly be enjoyable, especially if swimming and marshmallows are involved), and Outward Bound, that I don't have enough bandwidth to name them all. Poor naïve little Beth. So unprepared. So heading for heatstroke and hot, salty tears.