Like a nightmare that you can't wake up from and keep having, like, seventeen times, The Real World is back for another year of drunken sluttery. Meet the new kids. Same as the old kids. Svetlana has a boyfriend she'll cheat on and boobs she will display. Paula is bulimic. Tyler is gay. Janelle is of mixed race and hopes people will accept her. John is a jokey meathead. Zach is a Jewfroed nice guy. Jose is Latino and buys houses. Hurricane Katrina ruins the introductions...they're all marooned on the Keys before even getting to the house. Luckily, while New Orleans drowned, the kids all survived. Priorities! Svetlana and Tyler ride in a puddle-jumper. Svetie is scared. She airs out her vagina. I'm not kidding. The house. It's yellow and tacky and Florida-y and horrible and, of course, absolutely gorgeous. The kids move in, choose rooms, swim, and then go out drinking. Paula cries to Zach while everyone else has fun. She's a basketcase. Awesome! Svetlana talks to her jealous boyfriend on the phone; she and Zach are getting close. Svetlana and Paula bond over their warped body images. Nothing. Happens. And then happens again. There is no flow to the episode. Svetlana and John take some sort of nap together. My cable goes out for a minute. Good. The kids go out to the clubs again. My cable stops while Svetlana is getting jealous of John paying attention to Paula. But then Paula runs off while my cable is down and suddenly Paula and John are fighting in the van and Paula has a panic attack and everyone is concerned about her. Mostly, I'm just concerned because...OH MY GOD YAWN!
Ugh. We're back. Already. And only with a few months' break for Christmas and, I don't know, the Olympics or whatever. Just enough time to make drunken resolutions in those last few days of the year, when you know you fucked up, but the false and totally arbitrary demarcation of "A New Year" looming offers the upcoming hope of a new start. The purging of all of your sins. No more smoking or shame-eating or excessive masturbation or dumping toxic waste, or whatever your personal demon is. And also just enough time to ignominiously give up said resolutions, one eye on the distant 2007 as the year when everything changes for real this time, man! Unfortunately, my resolution to Never Watch The Real World again has come to a sad halt (along with my no heroin thing), with this, the start of the four-hundred-and-seventh season, "Key West." Until June's "Carson City, Nevada" season, this is what we're stuck with. Let the bleh be-blah!
Let's see. I should do something here instead of just launching in. I know! I'll start with a new feature. You know Entertainment Weekly's Ten Things They're Digging list, or whatever it's called? (I'm too lazy to get up and go into the bathroom to look, lest I accidentally flip to The Shaw Report and learn that "toast" is out and have to stab myself in the eye with the business end of a Mach 4.) Anyway, here is the Top Five Pop Culture Things Stee Likes Right Now. (Catchy title, huh?)
1. So. The Oscars were on Sunday!
2. Hey, what about that crazy Hasidic reggae dude, huh?...
Hm. Wow. I can't think of anything. That was a raging failure. Never mind. Let's get this party started! Yeah!!! Woohoo. POW! [Sound of shotgun falling to the ground, followed by the thud of Stee's body.]
We open with clips of the audition tapes. John is dressed as Scooby-Doo. They mute out his last name, but it looks as if his name is "John Fuckgoat." Fuckgoat runs and tries to catch a Frisbee in his mouth. Svetlana adjusts her enormous boobs. Tyler high-kicks our gaydar's On switch. Paula does something with a sheet. Two ruffians throw Jose into a fountain. Call the police. Janelle bitches at her friend. Svetlana says that her lips are real. Zach shows us a photo of his parents. Svetlana wants to get a nose job. Zach fails to execute a handstand. John hits his friend in the testicles and laughs hysterically. Svetlana fondles her breasts again. John swears.
Opening credits! Florida! Beach. Swimsuits. A plane. Waves. Boobs. The title is tanned onto a girl's back. Original. It's the seventeenth season. It's like those bad jokes about Rocky XI people used to make in the '80s. Only this is true. (Well, and probably the Rocky stuff will be eventually, too.)
Svet kisses her boyfriend Martin at the airport in Pennsylvania. You know, that one. They've been together three years. She's never been away from home for more than a week. Oh, yeah. Martin is getting his ass cheated on! Just like how Jewel is cheating on Fame with Total Obscurity. See, the danger is illustrated in that case because Fame found out and totally left Jewel. Poor Jewel. Warm up the van because she's moving back in.