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Svetlana's Birthday

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Have Cake, Will Eat It Too

Outside, Svet introduces Martin to Tyler, who queens out of the pool and sashays over in a tiny swimsuit, giant glasses, and a towel wrapped around his head. He puts out a super-limp wrist for Martin to shake. Eh. It may have been funny or something, if Tyler wasn't such a terrible actor and almost just that flamboyant anyway. Tyler does his hideous eyes-closed-for-emphasis thing as he smiles to us that he's "having fun with it."

Kitchen. Inside, a de-toweled Tyler tells a swimsuit-wearing, sandwich-making, boob-flapping Janelle that she thinks Martin is cute -- but it must be a puppy dog "cute,"because in the next moment he's camera talking to us that Svet made Martin out to be a big tall oaf, but he's actually short and pudgy. Tyler goes on to say, obnoxiously, that that's okay because he's not the one who has to have sex with him. He adds some other stupid crack about how Svet and Martin are like Romeo and Juliet, but "not really." He laughs. Janelle ignores him.

House. House. Bedroom. Svet and Martin cuddle. Paula introduces herself. She camera-talks that Martin is "a kid" and it reminds her that Svet is very young herself. Tyler comes in and shakes Martin's hand properly, revealing the "joke" from earlier. Svet reveals she didn't know Tyler was trying to play one. See! Heh. Svet camera-giant-hoop-earrings that Tyler thinks Martin is a homophobe, but she says that he's not. I think she's right, then, when Tyler, bouncing on the bed, asks Martin if they have any big plans. Martin drones that he's waiting for them to "show [me] a good time." Whoa! I think Martin is hitting on Tyler. They tease Svet and laugh. Sheesh, I think Martin and Tyler might want to be alone. (Ooh, Jose is going to be so jealous!) Wait. Where the fuck is Jose?

House. Day. Horrible statue. Night. Downtown. Svet and Martin walk. Restaurant. They eat and kiss and toast their relationship getting better, and Martin tiredly sighs that he, too, loves her. Yikes. They cuddle, Martin dead-faced and barely touching her, as Svet camera-talks that she's having feelings about Martin like when they first met and she didn't think it was possible. Dude, they really are an old Russian couple. Aren't they only twenty?!

Later. The check arrives. I don't understand what happens now, but I think Martin pays and Svet gets really mad that he won't let her pay half and she puts money out and then threatens not to talk to him and he says that would be a good thing and they fight about money. More fighting. She wants to pay the tip and he fills it in on the credit card bill and they bicker and he swears at her a lot and she hits him with the bill case. Martin tells Svet to shut up about a hundred times as they keep throwing the money around and he tells her she's ruined a nice night. Svet camera-laughs that they argue about everything but it's always over in ten minutes and as they head outside she asks if she can pay for the cab. He says, "Just shut up!" Ah, what a cute couple. Commercials.

Water. Bird. Water. Bird. House. The kids hang around and Martin is feeling more comfortable. He tells Zach and Tyler that he deals with Svet by just ignoring her and not feeding into her neediness and insanity. The boys laughs as Svet camera-whines that it's "not true," and that "obviously" Martin doesn't ignore her. Svet gets up, and Tyler laughs and then tells us that he thinks Martin is really chill and they would probably be friends. I doubt it. He goes on to read very clunky lines clunkily that he personally doesn't know how Martin puts up with Svetlana's "big bag of bullshit." Of course you don't, Tyler. Two words: tit fucking.

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