Danny and Mel return to their first-day meeting place and reveal that they're going to get an apartment together in Boston after the show. They tell each other they love each other. Aw...vomit! The kids all pack and foreshadowingly discuss their past quarrels. They dance at the bar one last time, and the girls touch each other's boobs. Wren then gets mad at Wes for having told his roommates that Wes and Wren had fucked. Wes returns to the house drunk and yells at Rachel for leaking the info to Wren. Rachel yells back at Wes. Danny instigates. Johanna tries to calm Wes down. As things escalate, Lacey gives the play-by-play to Ryan on the phone upstairs. Ha. Neh then gets into it, too, and there's a gap, but suddenly both Wes and Neh are yelling at Rachel, who is being held back on the couch by Danny. The Family Stone trailer looks stupid. Rachel and Mel cry outside as Danny tries to calm down the boys. We learn, as Rachel calls that boyfriend she hates and recounts the events that the cameramen missed (again), that Neh made fun of her Iraq War service, and that's when she went off and started clawing at Neh. Now Mel cries on Danny's broken head because of the drama. Ooh, next week's reunion show looks tasty. More packing. Rachel looks forward to never living with Neh or Wes again. "Good riddance," says Wes as Rachel leaves. Neh is going to stay in Austin...because of his upcoming court date. Heh. Ryan rolls in to surprise Lacey. Johanna cries. Wes leaves. Johanna leaves, "a 100% sad." Mel and Danny make out in the shower. They leave together and babble schmoopily. Mel cries at the airport. Danny spouts crap to us about learning to need people, and then he leaves, and suddenly Austin's average IQ goes up a few points.
I've never actually recapped junior high school. Let's see how it goes.
Austin. River. Freeway. Mt. Bonnell. Mel takes Danny up the famed lookout, telling him the legend that if you walk up there once, you'll fall in love. If you walk up twice, you'll be engaged. And if you walk up three times...you'll get brain damage from an ass-whooping outside of a shitty bar and then you'll get roped into a relationship with an insecure slutty blonde in need of a more supportive bra. What a sweet legend, right? In more important news: Danny has a new hat! It's like a one-dollar hat you buy at a county fair, plastic and blank (like Mel!), but at least it's not made of felt. (Mel likes to be felt.) Mel camera-skanks that she's taking Danny there because it's where they met on the first day, and she thinks it'll be romantical and bring up nice memories. Not for someone who no longer has memories. Or half of his medulla oblongata. She takes Danny's photo and laughs, for some reason. Because she stole his soul. We get a flashback of Danny walking up to Mel on that first day. Danny then tells us that, when he first met her, he was blown away and his knees buckled. Not the last time he'd be blown, or that she'd make his knees buckle, on this trip. Danny camera-skulls that, four months later, he still feels the same way. He and Mel eat food and shmoop, as he tells us that Mel is going to come to Boston for Danny's birthday in a few days and then they're going to get an apartment together. Ohmygodyouguys! Squeeeeeeeeeee! Danny whispers that he loves her. Mel says she loves him too. Won't last. (Wow. That's very cynical. Sorry. They'll last forever!)
Austin. Trees. Mansions. Warehouse. The kids are packing. Johanna whines to Rachel that she doesn't want to move out. Neh tell us he's not sad, and likes moving on to the next chapter in his life. As opposed to the next chapter in books. Which I've never seen him read. That goes for everyone, in fact, except Mel. Who is not whom you'd expect to be reading. The kids are going out to dinner that night as a "family." Wes starts reminiscing with Rachel and Johanna about the first night: Johanna made out with Danny, and Wes almost got into a fight defending his "hermana" -- which they decide is important to tell us means "sister." ["I have no idea what they're talking about, since it's not in the season premiere recap." -- Wing Chun] Johanna says that, tonight, they can make it all better. Rachel makes a joke, but I don't get it. Way over my head. Operating on a whole other complex comedy level. Judy Tenuta level.