Real World
The Obligatory Elka Plot Line

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The Obligatory Elka Plot Line

Holy holiday theme show, Batman! The opening montage in this "On a Very Special Valentine's Day..." episode contains shots of ice-skating couples, parka-clad couples holding hands, kissing couples on the street soon to be on their way to Boston Memorial to have their frozen lips pried apart in a treacherous process including the jaws of life and numerous shoulda-known-better references to the kid who put his tongue on the flagpole in your elementary school class, and the typical and unrestricted free-range grazing of the once-thought-extinct woolly mammoth, who lives only in taxidermed form at The Museum of Natural History and in the dwelling-on-the-ice-cap climate of Bunim-Murray's vision of the American northeast during this and every single other freakin' day of the year. Cut to inside the CCC, where the Somber Seven help the kids make Valentines out of construction paper and markers while asking them numerous derivations of "Who's gonna be your Valentine this year?" in a way that totally means, "Get thee to a confessional, lest it not be All About Me and my Valentine's Day hang-ups for a minute." And so we are obliged, beginning with Genesis: "I really don't know what Valentine's Day means to me. I've never had a good one before." Sigh. Much as she's never had a happy birthday, a white Christmas, an egg-hunting Easter, a relaxing Boxing Day (Canada), an, um, emperor adoring Emperor's Birthday (Japan), an afikomen-filled Second Day of Passover and blah blah blah lumpofcoalinmystockingcakes. What. Ever. Kameelah, meanwhile, keeps her kvetching more in the present tense, which I like, telling us, "So far Kameelah is sitting at home for Valentine's Day." Yeah, get in line, sweetheart. And stop referring to yourself in the third person. Then get back in line.

Over the strains of the little-known Ben Folds Five favorite "Uncle Walter" (from their eponymous first album, which, even if you think "The Battle of Who Could Care Less" is the gayest song since the soundtrack of Legs Diamond, you must go out and buy RIGHT NOW, so brilliant it is ["Word." -- Wing Chun]), we cut to the firehouse for further exercises in whining. In fact, rather than sitting though the stultifying experience of hearing Montana rationalize her way into cheating on Vaj on Valentine's Day, the night before he comes up to visit, let us revel in the brilliant lyrics to the middle eight of the little-known Ben Folds Five favorite "Uncle Walter," a pithy little hymn about a smarmy old bastard who thinks he rules the world and knows everything:

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Real World

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