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The Obligatory Elka Plot Line

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The Obligatory Elka Plot Line
Your Uncle Walter tells me everything he'd do if he was [sic] President
Oh, what a perfect world this world would be
If he was President.
But he's NOT.

Anyway, back in the world of linear recapping, Montana sits in the living room, telling Sean, "This is the last chance I'm gonna have in my life to date anybody," which sounds to me very much like a tacit admission that she knows darn well that her dating prospects are poised to dry up considerably when the producers peel the "Property of MTV" sticker off her backside and the little red light on the camera goes dark at the end of the six-month stint. Too bad, so sad. Sean outlines the logistics: "Vaj is coming on Saturday, and you're going out with Matt on Friday. I think that it would hurt Vaj's feelings, that the night before he gets there, you're seeing someone else." Dang for Montana. Fresh out of legitimate excuses for wanting to lose the Pox of the Pocks once and for all, Montana thinks on it for a minute and resorts to this bizarre new rationalization: "I wish Vaj could be here on Valentine's Day. But y'know what, he can't be, 'cause y'know why? 'Cause he's working. Y'know what? That's always the [expletive, probably "cratery," deleted] case with Vaj. It's work work work work work work work work work work work work work, all the time." That's right. She said it thirteen times. Thank you, "paste" feature. Now, however, both my "Ctrl" and my "V" keys are permanently broken, and I think I'll probably be forced to refer to Montana's boyfriend as "Aj" for the rest of this episode. Stupid Aj, having to go get a real job and go to work while his girlfriend sits on her ass in the middle of the day, polishing her nails and complaining that her man can't come visit (er, I mean "isit") because he, like everyone on the planet besides her, has to work. That sounds like carte blanche for an affair to me. Psychopath.

Kameelah enters the room, and Montana complains, "Sean thinks I should be sitting at home pining away for Vaj [whatever, the 'v' key is fixed now] the night before he comes." Sean corrects her by saying that there are other things to do besides sit home or go out with Matt, with which I will grudgingly agree. Kameelah says that an outside observer would probably think that Montana was "ho-ish," but thinks it's all good as long as she and Matt "don't get fresh." Sean thinks he is agreeing with her when he deadpans -- DEADPANS -- "All right, if it's just kissing, but how about if you're like, feeling boobies and cooter, and stuff like that?" Kameelah cracks up just as I start weeping, but those reactions are really just two sides of the same coin, as we each express our own defense mechanisms for the sorry, sorry future of the woefully endangered Planet Enlightenment. ["This man married, people! He spawned a child! Think about that. Then try to sleep tonight." -- Wing Chun] Kameelah screams with laughter: "He said 'boobies and cooter.'" 'Nuff said, don't you think?

Jason and Elka lie platonically in Elka's bed (the "she Catholic, he gay" undertones have never come across so plainly as they do here), and Jason whores himself out to the B-M personnel department once more in doing just what the producers ask. You can practically here the "And...ACTION!" before Jason begins, "Let me get this straight. Your boyfriend lives in Ireland, right?" We learn that Elka landed herself an Irish rock star while traveling abroad in Greece, and that he kissed her before they'd known each other for an hour. Jason admits that he's "a little confused" about how she can consider this "Walter" her boyfriend, which of course means that he does not believe a word of this, and at this point in the series, neither did I. At all. She claims that their relationship has blossomed over the phone, and Jason asks, "So there's lots of contact?" Which, again, seems like something he should already know, considering this episode marks the halfway point of the Boston season and they live in a house with one phone. But anyway. Elka hopes that Walter will come visit her in America, but her sincere sentiment is drowned out by the deafening roar of this episode's viewing audience raising its one collective eyebrow and quietly muttering, "Yeah, that'll happen." Jason asks whether Walter considers Elka his girlfriend, and she does nothing to make her case look more credible when she answers: "Yeah." Glacial pause. "Pretty much." Oh. No. Jason thinks not being the center of attention is for suckers, so we're back in a confessional where he tells us, "He might be a cool guy, but I seriously doubt we're gonna meet him. We might. I doubt it, though. She swears she loves him. She's got the poster on the wall." Yup. Just the poster. And not even of just him, but of him and his entire band. Now there's a personalized gift from the heart. And, as I've repeatedly pointed out, that is the only proof of the existence of this person. She would have done well to have brought, oh, I don't know, a photograph of the two of them together to prove that they've been so much as introduced. I've got posters and other wall-hangings all over my room too, but that sure as heck doesn't mean that I'm dating half of Neve Campbell's black and white face from the promotional poster of Scream 2 or that I'm practically betrothed to the little girl carrying one of her shoes and walking down a street in an oil painting hanging above my mantel that my grandmother painted in 1965. Note to Elka: Buy yourself a disposable camera and a plastic frame from Target. It'll lend a little credence to this knotty "boyfriend" argument, and the whole investment will put you out, what, seven dollars? Because right now, no one believes you, Elka. No one.

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