Okay, this is it. The Miami Real World season finale. I'm scanning my insides for emotions. So far there's a little hunger, some minor irritation, and what's that? That joyful one? Glee? Yes, glee. Goodbye, Miami Clown Machine (tm sgib). You ultimate ball-droppers. You nit-picky freakazoids. You two-faced gossipers. You threesome-having hornballs. I will miss you. Not. Okay, maybe a little. Cynthia is the only one I didn't hate even once. She is hella awesome. Hella hella hella.
Okay, lights up on clear, blue, beautiful water. Then, a shot of a washing machine -- lid open, agitator in action. Nice metaphor, camera dudes. The Miami cast were just agitated. We get a few shots of Dan and Joe clearing out drawers and gathering up papers, and Mike voice-overs, "Well, this is it." YAY! Oh, sorry -- you already know how I feel. Flora and Sarah pack up their stuff -- Sarah assembling what may be the funnest box ever, crammed with toys, stuffed animals, and a disco ball -- as Cynthia talks about everyone's "plans" and her lack of such things. But wait! A Miami real estate company offered her a job! But, she has no place to stay. But they said they'll take care of that! Cynthia seems a little shell-shocked at her good fortune, but says that it must have happened for a reason.
Now we see Flora walking behind a man carrying a mattress. Oh, no. Do we have to watch this? We KNOW she's a hootchie! But he's just carrying it to her Jeep. Whew. She says she got an apartment and is staying down here to sleep around...I mean, "bartend." Then, as the mattress guy is getting a rope, Flora switches to full-on bitch mode -- and there's no "off" on that switch -- and reams the guy out and tells him how to really tie a mattress. Because if Flora knows her way around anything, she knows her way around a mattress. Melissa watches Flora in awe. Flora comes over to her and, sotto voce, asks whether one needs to know math to tie a mattress. Melissa asks whether Flora would want someone telling her how to mix drinks. Nice! Flora, posessor of large balls, says that it takes skill to mix drinks, not to tie a mattress. It does take skill to mix drinks. But if Flora sucked at it? She sure as hell wouldn't admit to it. She'd rather be a hard-ass. She then says she's going to call "people like" the mattress guy "hamburger helpers, because that's all they're good for." Oh, shit. When I worked at this antique market in Philly, we used to call lookers-not-buyers "pizza people," because all they had was money for a slice. "Hamburger helpers" is kind of good. But I still hate Flora as she drives off in her stupid Jeep muttering, "You try to be nice to people...."