Real World
The Real World: The Lost Season

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Holy Crap, That's a Bad Movie

Normally I'll watch whatever I'm recapping once before I delve into the recap. Forty minutes into this suckfest, I had to turn off the television. I'm recapping live, because I cannot bear the thought of having to watch this thing in its entirety twice.

People. When you make a movie, you have to know if you want it to be a comedy, a drama, a thriller or a mockumentary. You can't throw all of it at me and ask me to play editor, director, and writer. That's bullshit. Such a waste of my time.

Go. Quickly. Let's just do this, already.

We start with some Blair Witch-type music as the screen informs us that this is the only footage of The Real World Vancouver, which never actually aired due to "circumstances." Are you scared?

Typical beginning opener with the seven strangers stopping all the polite stuff and starting to get real.

Music plays. "Day 1." Establishing shots. We meet Keith, twenty, a musician from Baltimore. Liz, twenty, is from Los Angeles; she hates the place already and she hasn't even walked in. I really shouldn't have to recap this stuff because the acting is so shitty. The acting is wooden and boring. Keith is supposed to be the boring one, and Liz is the slutty drama queen. She's dressed like Britney. The second she enters the kickin' pad, however, she's in love. She drapes herself over the couch and says that this is more like it. The house is a warehouse with a few props scattered around it. In confessional, Keith tells us that Liz is hot and Liz tells us that Keith is "nothing."

Melinda, eighteen, just graduated from Deer Park, and hasn't been out of "the state." She's complaining about airplane food with Cash, a twenty-one-year-old novelist from Boston. He says he's searching for an inspiration. He wants to be on this show to "unlock that door," to live "beyond that." See? Is it a comedy? Because they haven't done anything funny yet. Is this all improvised? Because it's lame.

Boomer, nineteen, is a skateboarder from Santa Cruz. He's our Zen guy who wears stupid hats. Liz flounces around the apartment, acting like she still hasn't seen all the rooms. She doesn't finish a sentence with anyone. The only funny thing so far has been Liz's thong flopping around as she runs.

Omara, twenty-two, is Pre-Law from Philadelphia. She tells us that she's political and that her purpose in life is to cause change. As she walks through an airport terminal, some other guy shouts out, "Roomie!" I guess he just looked for the camera. He's Adam and he loves to have fun. He wants to show the world "what Adam has to offer." Right now he's offering too many hands on Omara for a total stranger. I don't know what to be snarky about because this is all a script, I guess, so there's nothing to snark on. It's just a bad script. Here, I'll offer a paragraph:

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Real World

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