Anyway, sweet Jon tells the dorks that he's not sure he's an actor. Dan's shirt is all unbuttoned and his chest hair is running free. He's balding, with a ponytail. He looks awfully familiar. I think he's the guy working at the drive-through Starbucks on the corner of Lincoln and Marine who gave me the wrong change Friday afternoon. I want my 37 cents back, Dan! I have to watch every penny, mister! ["Dude, that Starbucks has a drive-through now? Do they have butterscotch scones? Wait, don't answer that -- quit trying to tempt me back to the Marina, Devil Woman!" -- Wing Chun] Dan and Mike have Jon sing for them. He perkily launches into a song with a distressingly high twang factor. Mike looks like he might start to cry. "We'll...work with you. If that's what we decide...we neeeeeeeeed," Dan says, looking away from Jon in horror. Mike closes his eyes and tells Jon they'll have their people call his people. They give him a copy of the script to read over, and wave half-heartedly as he walks out the door. "Well, that was a bust," Mike's expression says. "Please, Lord, take me now," Dan's expression replies.

Back at the Beach House of Banality, Dom flips approvingly through the script, cackling when he gets to the first sex scene. He reads the stage directions -- which call for "angry love! Rebellious love!" -- aloud. Jon blushes. He doesn't want to make angry love, he says. He wants to make "nice, sweet love." Dom chortles. Jon is a sweetheart, but the mental image of him making any kind of love turns me to a pillar of salt.

Glen whines that Jon doesn't do shit, and now he might have a movie role. "We hate it when our friends become successful," Morrissey sings on the soundtrack. Every morning in the shower, I sing a song of my own, called "Shut Up, Glen."

Jon calls Irene about the movie, but she's none too pleased about it. "You're not kissing any woman," she tells him. Why does she care? Jon twangs that it's better than him kissing a man. Not that there's anything wrong with that. ["Well, of course, according to Jon, there is." -- Wing Chun]

The next morning, Jon goes home to Kentucky to visit the family. Tami -- whose mouth is not wired shut, making me wonder whether the Bunim/Murray editors are screwing with the timeline again, although, truly, how could that be? -- gets up at the crack of dawn just to see him off, which is remarkably nice, especially for Tami. Dom drives Jon to the airport, also at an unearthly early hour, which proves to me yet again that Dom is the bomb, and that I am a poet and don't even know it.