Real World
Valenwhine's Day

Episode Report Card
Kim: F | 1 USERS: A+
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Valenwhine's Day

On first showing, MTV covers up the "tag" or post-credits portion of the show with some lame promo, generally for "Smooth Criminal" by Alien Ant Farm (which causes me to walk around the house for the next three hours singing, "Annie, are you okay? Are you okay? Are you okay, Annie?"). On subsequent viewings, we actually get to see this footage. So, from now on, I'm going to include the tag recap information in the next week's recap. For example, the tag from episode three features Lori and Quarrel discussing the size of Kevin's penis. We never hear how exactly Lori knows this information, except that she says they were kissing "with tongue," which is interesting, since that hasn't been shown. Anyway, Lori and Quarrel are drunk and giggly about this information.

Previously, on The Real World: The Greenwich Village Idiot said that his uncle won't hire black people because they are slow, due to their educational background. Quarrel yelled at him for saying that. Kevin told Lori that he didn't want to be with her, and Lori was "pretty bummed." Quarrel thought Lori could do better.

After a New York City montage, we cut to Lori and Quarrel eating breakfast. Quarrel is making pancakes (mmm, pancakes) and Lori is spreading butter on her toast. Rachel dips some sort of pastry in her orange juice, which looks pretty gross. Quarrel yells (and frankly, just assume that everything Quarrel says is yelled at high volume, because it is) that they have "five days until Valendoom's Day!" She's so proud of herself for coming up with that clever name for Valentine's Day that she says it four or five more times. In a confessional, Quarrel says that she's lonely because she doesn't have a man, but also that she's independent. Then she sings a little Destiny's Child. Back at breakfast, Quarrel sings a little song that goes, "How much do I hate Valentine's Day? I'm going to write a song about it, tell you in every way!" Please, don't. Nicole thinks that people in love are beautiful. Rachel protests, because that would mean she is ugly, and she wants those people to "break up and be unhappy like [her]." Quarrel pretends to squirt Rachel with her bottle of water. I don't know. Nicole counters that love is a wonderful thing. Is she mining Michael Bolton lyrics for things to say now? What next? "I want to be your soul provider"? "Tell me how am I supposed to live without you, now that I've been loving you so long"? The real question here is obviously why I know so many Michael Bolton lyrics. Let's just say that I had a summer office job once where we listened to the Light Favorites radio station. It was hell.

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Real World

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