Oh, you can just tell by Kameelah's tone of voice in this confessional that she was arduously beginning to recount her version of The Legend Of Drunken Youngsters and the ensuing tragedy: "We came to Philadelphia and one of the banquet halls and all of the best restaurants in Philadelphia were represented." Oh, best restaurants in Philly, eh? So that would be, what? The Arby's across the street from one of the city's many correctional facilities or the Chuck E. Cheese next to the smoking potholes and flaming barrels near the glass repair center and the Off-Track Betting? Oh, I know I'm misrepresenting the city horribly and I apologize for it. After all, that Chuck E. Cheese was condemned by the Board of Health and locked up years ago. Oops. Sorry. Cut to inside said banquet hall, where the volunteers barely watch the kids (natch) while shoveling free food onto their plates. Kameelah forges on: "Montana and Sean were drinking in front of the children...I don't know, like, what they were thinking. Or if they were thinking at all." Dun-DUN-duuuuun. The plot stomps on California grapes, adds preserving sugars, ages in an oak barrel for three to five years, and thickens accordingly. Inside the banquet hall, meanwhile, Montana talks to a man holding a wine bottle and asks, "Can I try some of the sauvignon?" Something about the way she says it strikes me as so inherently hilarious that I start saying it in her exact tone of voice, and soon find myself completely unable to stop. Days from now, concerned friends will accompany local police into my apartment and find me spinning around in my desk chair giggling maniacally and repeatedly intoning, "Can I try some of the sauvignon?" over and over and over again. Because this is what happens to a person when he's subjected to nineteen episodes of this show without consuming gallon upon gallon of sauvignon himself. It's my mantra for the depths this season has hit. My "All Work And No Play Makes Djb A Dull Boy" for the new year.
Oh, they took Amtrak? Just kidding. The train to the bus finally rescues us from The President's Summit On Why Is This City Such A Dump, and we turn up back in Boston under the cover of darkness. I can't wait to wow all my friends with news of my visit when I proudly wear my new "Don't Be A Cheese; Lay Down Your Steaks In Philly" t-shirt on casual Friday at the MBTV corporate offices. It will go really nicely with my bumper sticker reading "Gang Violence: It's Not Just For Otherwise Intriguing Cities Anymore," I'm sure. This and other paraphernalia to be found on the Pennsylvania Official Tourism Website, found at whatisthekeystone.com. Enjoy.