Montana bemoans the situation to Elka and Walter, who are lying together in Elka's bed. Walter asks, "Have you heard from the center yet?" Awwww. Walter cares about everybody. Elka claims that the worst that could happen is that Montana will get fired, and Montana again lets the world know that she's never been fired from a job before, "and it would suck to happen now." Which I guess means "on television," and no, I'm not kidding. Elka helpfully reminds Montana from the horizontal position, "Well, you have to be real careful around children" before turning the topic to Walter's departure and her misery therein. Walter's leaving tonight! Cue the tearful montage.
Tearful montage. At the Airport Of Emotional Manipulation, Walter and Elka share a blissfully time-consuming hug while LeAnn Rimes's "How Do I Live" makes me wonder just how airport personnel would respond should a junior prom spontaneously break out as a result of this egregious soundtrack error. She weeps, "Why are we always saying goodbye?" "Always"? Or by the official tally total: twice. Doing something twice does not constitute an "always." I have never in my life spoken the sentence, "Why am I always going to Vegas" or "Why am I always seeing the Mets play in the World Series?" Twice. Seeing the faulty logic here? The fuzzy math? Walter comforts her accordingly, promising, "Nothing's gonna change." Also true, meaning from 3,300 miles away he and Elka will be having the exact same amount of sex as they've been having while living together for the past week. Walter walks through the gate. Tally-ho, Irishman. Elka confessionalizes that she's in love and that she feels it "in the pit of [her] stomach" and "in [her] heart." She lies in bed and cries and cries. The Walter poster above the bed stares down as if to say, "They're called I-Zone Cameras with Sticky Film, babe. Take a real damn picture of me already." And whenever those are invented, perhaps she will.
The Phone Previously Known As Anthony has now been rechristened (and not a moment too soon for a little religious rite) "Elka's Dad." Elka tells him that Walter will be in Vegas over the summer (hello, shout-out. Whatcha knowin'?), and she wants to go spend some time with him there. Captain Catholicism is on familiar territory, and he knows just where to take it: "No. You're not going to Las Vegas. You're not going over there by yourself." But. Wha. Fah. Heh? She's living free of parental strictures now, isn't she? Realizing his levels of psycho-parenting perhaps require a little more focus, Captain Catholicism extrapolates: "You gonna start living together? Unacceptable. That's not acceptable behavior." She cries that she wants to be with him and can't handle this pressure from her father. A confessional tells us, "I'm gonna follow my heart on this one, and I'm gonna do what I feel is right." Word, Elka. Back on the phone, the Cap'n apologizes for upsetting her, offering the escape clause of all parental platitudes, "If it's meant to be, Elka, it's meant to be." Well, he picked a hell of a time to go all laissez-faire on her, but at least he's off her back. Sorry, buddy. You may be the captain, but you're no big boy. The role of Big Boy is so already filled. Step. Off. Jimmy. Carter.