Real World
Would You Be So Kind as to Wave Your Hands in the Air?

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Would You Be So Kind as to Wave Your Hands in the Air?

B-roll of the Attention Deficit Manor at night. We're starting right where we left off, the night of Jay's play. "First we had Jay's play," says Jacinda in an interview, getting herself a little more screen time by supplying some exposition. "Then people started drinking." Yes, I think a lot of people probably needed a drink after sitting through Jay's play. Lars spins records while more people got their mugs on TV by lying to Jay about how great his play was. It's funny that Lars is a DJ from Berlin and has all this knowledge of the underground music scene there, and yet the records he spins happen to be the top-forty dreck that was in heavy rotation on MTV back in 1995, like "Scream" by Michael Jackson. And speaking of out-of-touch sexually ambiguous freaks named Michael whose last names begin with "J" and end in "son," Mike has developed some new Euro-trash dance moves now that he's been following Lars around London clubs for the past few months. He puts his hands together in prayer position, self-consciously sways back and forth, and flops his head from side to side like he's on Ecstasy. Unfortunately, it doesn't work, because he's clearly not tripping. Mike gives up on impressing girls with his dancing skills, and decides to take some ladies up to his room and show them pictures of the cars he's raced. "He was quite a charmer," says Kat, who I don't think is being sarcastic in her interview. "He was so wonderful, charming, and sparkling with my friends." "Sparkling"? Eventually, Mike becomes quite the horndog and starts honing in on Hannah, one of Sharon's friends. Hannah would be pretty if she went on Prozac in order to get rid of that vaguely horrified expression that's constantly on her face. I mean, at first I thought it was an appropriate reaction to Mike, but apparently she likes him. "Actually," Mike tells Hannah, "I was looking in the dictionary for a word that describes your beauty and they haven't invented it yet." Actually they did, Mike. Look under "B" for "beer goggle-icious." Big Ben chimes midnight and Lars asks the crowd if anyone "vants to get funky." Some British person in the crowd calls out, "Absolutely!" and...well, what did you expect from a Real World London house party? Crystal meth and unprotected group sex?

"I think it was fun, I can't remember," says Jacinda in an interview interspersed with shots of partygoers reaching various bottles of hard liquor laid out on a vast table...courtesy of Bunim-Murray, no doubt. "I've got pieces, but I just can't, like, join them all together." And no, Jacinda is not referring to the time she went to Japan to model when she was sixteen and, well, found out she wasn't exactly being paid to model, if you know what I mean. Okay, remember that scene in Mahogany when Billy Dee Williams comes to visit Diana Ross in Milan where she's become a huge supermodel and he's this civil-rights activist dude so he can't relate to her lifestyle so she gets frustrated and decides to show him what a liberated bitch she's become so she gets all crazy at this Italian party and takes off her top and drips candle wax all over her bad self? Okay, Jacinda is acting just like that...except for the part about Billy Dee Williams, the candle wax, the toplessness and that whole glamorous bad-ass thing. Although God knows what she was going to do to Legend in the name of bad-ass glamour, since she got pretty anxious to find him at some point. "Do you require some effort, balance, and poise?" asks Sharon as Jacinda starts gyrating on the arm of one of their large stuffed chairs for the benefit of no one in particular. Then Michael gets so drunk that he starts throwing himself at biological women. But he's really queeny about it. He keeps clasping his hands together across his chest in this faggy way, wiggling his ass and otherwise surveying the room like he's making sure no one at the party has nicer shoes than he does. "Mike was desperate to get some," says Jacinda, describing in an interview how he came up to her at the party and propositioned her. Jacinda shoots him down, and Mike is all, "Why not?" Jacinda cites the fact that Mike has "tried it with every girl there" that night. Mike swears that Jacinda is the only one he wants but, according to Jacinda, he turns around a few minutes later and starts putting the same moves on Kat. "It's not me," explains Kat in an interview. "It's the fact that I'm there." Well, that and the fact that Mike's too drunk to realize that you don't have a penis. "He was just spreading the joy of Mike Johnson around the party," she says diplomatically. The fire alarm accidentally goes off and that reunites Mike with Hannah the Horrified, who, incidentally, was also dubbed Floozicus Johnsonae by Philip on the boards. In an interview, Mike lies that the only person he was interested in all evening was Hannah the Horrified, as we see him explaining the whole "lucky cigarette" myth to her.

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Real World

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