Real World
You Make It So HARD, Nic! Part Two

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Alex Richmond: D | Grade It Now!
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You Make It So HARD, Nic! Part Two

Those dammed Gregorian monks chant away, and we arrive in a church. Joe is there...attending services. Whuh? His voice-over only adds to my confusion: "I am definitely a religious person. The spirit is inside me. God is my friend, my buddy. He guides me." What? What is happening here? Who's your buddy? Guide what now? More shots of Joe's lips moving as he reads one of those big church books only confuse me more. Somehow, this badly phrased sit-down aside about Ick is relevant to the God stuff: "Whether we're going to stay together is the point where we're at." Oh, I need someone to be my buddy and guide me now. God? Are you there? It's me...Alex.

Alice in Chains wails away as Joe holds his head during yet another Phone Call of Pain with -- guess who? That's right, people. Ick. The monster you love to hate. Joe asks whether she'll be leaving Monday. Ick says yes, and asks, "Why did you walk out? I told you I don't have the energy to chase after you." Oh energy smenergy, Ick could catch Lilliputian Joe in half a stride of her monster legs. It's Godzilla versus Bambi. Joe tries to get a word in as Ick insists, "I thought you had conquered this problem." No, Joe is still dating you; the problem still exists. Joe says, "I need an itty-bitty ounce of trust and understanding." Hee hee, Joe said "itty-bitty." He decides to come over to the hotel, and we see shots of long-legged native Miamians rollerblading to "Here Comes the Hotstepper."

The horrid song continues over footage of Dan posing for photos in some public park. The photographer stops shooting to deliver a lecture on how Dan is supposed to act when he goes out on go-sees and such. In a nutshell, he's supposed to act butch. "It's the birdcage syndrome...you have a strong, masculine, movie-star face." Bwa! Cut to video of Dan saying, fey as hell, that he's "too flamboyant." Or flamingly buoyant, whatever. Cut back to the photographer saying, "It's the old Rock Hudson situation." Yeah, you want Dan to saddle up and ride to the closet for the sake of commercialism. Dan says, "It's cool. I mean it sucks, but it's cool." I totally agree, except for the cool part.

Dan's reading Arnie's tarot cards. Cue the scary ghost noises! WhooOOooo! Does anyone remember Sandra Bernhard's routine about wanting to meet Stevie Nicks and sing and whirl around and do tarot cards with her, except she pronounced it "ta-ROW"? Anyone? No? Okay, back to the show. Dan lays the cards out and thinks they're all about Arnie's closeted state, or rather, "lies [he's] leading...things that aren't truthful to [himself]." Then, Dan comes right out and says, "All the cards say, 'You have to come out of the closet.'" It's a sign, see? A big, giant sign. Does everyone get it now? Closet bad.

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Real World

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