Real World
You Make It So HARD, Nic!

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Alex Richmond: D | Grade It Now!
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You Make It So HARD, Nic!

This week's episode starts rather cryptically; with a shot of an airplane wing set to ominous music. Joe and Mike are racing somewhere in a car. Then, they run maniacally through an airport, as the beat gets more frenetic. Joe asks for directions while spooning orange frozen yogurt into his mouth. "When? What gate? We're in the wrong place!" The two lunkheads dash off in another direction, as Joe mutters (with a mouth full of fro-yo), "How come this always happens?" What do you mean by "this," Joe? The intentionally idiotic pacing? The deliberate choice of music? That you and Mike can't for the life of you pick someone up at the airport without getting tangled up in some sort of Keystone Cops routine? That The Real World exists only by exaggeratedly dramatizing entirely mundane non-events that everyone on earth except shut-ins would rather not go through, let alone watch on television? Or do you mean something else?

Finally, Joe reveals the real reason he's at the airport: to pick up Ick. Oh, joy. "I wanted to see her because things haven't been going so well," he says. More shots of running through the airport are cut with the very 90210-styled black and white Phone Call of Pain #263 when Joe says unironically, "You make it so HARD, Nic!" Snerk. Joe continues, "I decided this is gonna be the week I decide whether I'm gonna be with Nic or to break up with her." Anticipation, is making me wait. Not. These two are such ancient history.

Here she is, ladies and gentlemen: Ick. Joe's "woman." She takes Joe's tiny face in her massive hands, being careful not to crush his puny skull. It would be easy for her to kill him. She could crush coconuts with those paws. Opening her maw, she swallows Joe's entire face in what anthropologists may call a kiss. I call it horrifying. She squeaks (and it's frightening how a creature that size can have such a diminutive voice), "Where have you been? I've been looking all over for you!" Here, I pause the tape to capture a tableau of Joe and Ick nuzzling noses together: Ick's head takes up a good two-thirds of the TV screen. Joe, amazingly, is smiling. Her hair is so huge. I can't look away. Mike looks on weakly. Nic spoons the fro-yo into her cavernous mouth and says rather un-endearingly, "I missed you! I forgot that I missed you!" What a not-nice thing to say, and I should know. We say things that are not nice all the time here at Mighty Big TV. Check this out: Nic? YOU ARE A MAN. No, that's insulting to men. Nic? YOU ARE A MONSTER! Even monsters don't like that comparison. Arrgh. Run, Joe. Oh, and let's all meet Ick's friend, Julie, who will be blending into the woodwork just as a fifth wheel should. There's a little luggage-carousel monkey business as the ever-cloying song "The Things We Do for Love" plays, and we make it out of the airport barely alive. Whew.

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Real World

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