The River
A Better Man

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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The Condemned Man

PREVIOUSLY

Smoke Monsters! Monkeys with doll heads! Tribal ethicists! Variable abandonment and daddy issues! A strange prophecy! A very welcome haircut! A psychic girl! White people buried all along the Amazon, from a variety of decades and levels of privilege! Terrible things happening to Tess Cole at a furious rate! The ongoing, unspoken threat of zombies! There's magic out there!

5-7 MONTHS AGO

(That's literally what the chyron says, I wasn't just eyeballing it based on the color of the rocks or whatever thumb scabs. I'm no Lena.)

With a younger cameraman documenting, Cole fought off a lot of vines and whatever that seem to have taken hold of the Magus recently... The same rudder issues that Lincoln took care of that time they decided to get a bunch of jungle water in Lena's leg wounds? Well, he cleared them, and whined about it, and then the second you turn your back, there they were again. Just chilling there, off the port bow, up in the rudder, like plant life will do when it's feelin' tricky.

You know what's really scary? Vines.

DAY SIXTEEN

Tess, with a come-and-go accent: "I am the cast member who speaks Spanish this week, so I'll be the one who haggles with the supply boat."
Clark: "Supplies are expensive! We should just starve. And why did you give them my reading lamp?"
Tess: "Barter system. Very native. Also, stop filming the locals! They're superstitious."

Kurt: "Let's have a power struggle about morale for no reason."
Tess: "Done. What I think would cheer everybody up is if this were the day. The day we find my husband, Dr. Emmet Cole."

Tess explores maps or whatever, she comes up with some new plan, and then yells at Kurt some more for no real reason I can't figure. Kurt advises Lincoln to steer the ship to the south, and Lincoln laughs nastily, because all these people are dicks and they are always bitching about something. Somebody (who?) asks Clark what he thinks about that.

Clark: "Too many Indians, not enough Chiefs. Or you know, something less racist. It's that we don't have a leader. Not like in the old days, when we did whatever the zombie wizard told us to do."

Okay, I don't know how we're going to solve this one -- although I'm guessing it's going to be Lincoln, because TV is tiresome a lot of the time and made for the most boring kinds of people who fall for that "Cat's In The Cradle" Field Of Dreams bullshit every time, no matter how thinly or gesturally it's spread -- but what I can tell you is that Tess should not be the leader.

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The River

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