The River
A Better Man

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
The Condemned Man


Everybody: "Okay, we are cowed by your shrieking display of pussydom and will now take a vote."
Lincoln: "This isn't a vote!"
Clark: "You're right. And I'm the boss tonight, and we are killing him. Tess, it was fun indulging your vanity when you thought you were in charge..."
Everybody: "Daaaamn"
Clark: "...But we are killing the shit out of this kid."

Tess: "But he's our best hope for..."
Clark: "-- How, exactly, is that true? He doesn't remember anything, and he's going to get us all killed. You're yanking straws, and meanwhile your son is also getting uppity and trying to boss everybody around, and I just have to wonder what's the next plague going to be? Birds, locusts, vines, and what next? Lena playing the accordion some more? I'll fucking die first. I will wander out into the woods like an Amazonian elder and wait for whatever stupid ghost story to come alive next."

Tess: "Jonas, what was my husband, Dr. Emmet Cole, up to? Tell us quickly so that I can wash my hands of you and let them kill you."
Jonas: "That sounds like a good deal for me. Fine, I will tell you about magic, and the Source of all magic that he was looking for, which... Yep, here it is. Let me point out on this handy map the location of the Source Of All Magic."
Kurt: "-- I wasn't even planning on being the one to kill you, but now?"
Jonas: "But that's all I know, just the information that I have related to you. Nothing more."

Tess: Pensive. An asshole. You already know what she's going to do, and it's not like her kid's going to skip an opportunity to throw a big self-righteous fucking shit-fit.

Lincoln: "Mom..."
Tess: "I don't know if you missed this memo, but I'm totally the worst. You dudes can kill Jonas now if you feel like it. I just need to state for the record that I'm pretty sure tomorrow's the day we finally find my husband."
Lincoln: "You cannot do this!"
Tess: "I'm doing it, obscurely, for you!"

Lincoln suddenly pulls a gun on Kurt and continues shrieking and pussing out for a while, chewing on the scenery as one does... and then suddenly the whole stupid... God this show. So He runs outside screaming about how he doesn't want anybody else to be hurt because of what he did, climbs up the satellite tower the Valenzuelas built on the roof for no reason, grabs a vine, and hangs himself again. After all that, he's like, "On second thought, suicide," and nothing, not a hint of an apology for fucking everything up for no reason this entire episode. But we're not even done, because as he's dying he drops the cell phone, which cracks open so that the old man's soul can come flying out.

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The River




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