The River
A Better Man

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
The Condemned Man


So if you're ever in this situation, here is what you do: Build a wooden satellite tower on your roof, wait until people are getting shot, abruptly go running out toward the vines, kill yourself, drop your phone -- the ghost of an old abo will float away into the forest -- and then join the cast as a second cameraman.

Or I guess alternately you could just delete the video to begin with, right? Since that's essentially how it worked out anyway? But then if you had just done that, Lincoln wouldn't have had sixty opportunities to piss his panties in every room of the ship about how much better he is than anyone who ever lived.


More ship activities. I don't think they're stressed out, I think that's just their faces, because they are all assholes. Lincoln tends to Kurt's wounds from the big fight, and Clark gives Cappie his camera back.

Cappie: "You tried to kill me, and now you want to offer me a job?"
Clark: "And a beer."
Cappie: "Fuck you."

But he takes the beer, and I guess that's how the sausage gets made too.

In the editing bay, Lincoln is freaking out about how his dad ordered Cappie's death, and then all of a sudden he's just addressing them from the screen. Why? Who cares, doesn't matter. This is how the show works. I mean, what he has to say doesn't matter at all, every sentence reverses and negates itself -- "I know you want to know why I abandoned you, but abandoning you is something I have to do" -- and then he says he feels bad about sacrificing Cappie.

But not that bad, I guess because then he goes off on another trippy rant about how this journey is testing his tethers and boundaries and reality and whatever. He apologizes and cries for a while for leaving them behind, but considering he wanted these tapes destroyed before they even got there, I'm not sure why that's particularly touching anyway, or why he even taped that. But whatever, they hug and the music says "YOU ARE FEELING FEELINGS" so I guess if you're an idiot that's what you do. Feel some feelings, about moms or dads. Or scapegoats. Maybe vines.

Next week: Zombies! I mean it this time, I think.

JACOB CLIFTON is a freelance writer and critic based in Austin, Texas. He currently recaps Gossip Girl, The Good Wife, Pretty Little Liars and True Blood for TWoP. Jacob can be found online at, on Twitter, and on Facebook. IRL work appears in BenBella's SmartPop series of anthologies, most recently A Friday Night Lights Companion and Fringe Science.

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The River




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