The River
A Better Man

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
The Condemned Man

I diagnose him with: Being adorable.

Wait, it's CAPPIE! How amazing. Well done. I'm glad he's making ABC money on this.


Jonas Beckett, Undiscovered Country cameraman and Encino native, has an audition tape dated July 2010. (This was I guess after the advent of using the calendar to note when documentary film was filmed, instead of just chucking the unmarked tapes in a hole like we do now.) He was a wild one! He'll do anything to get the shot, because photographing is his life. Jumped off roofs and into swimming pools! A real Spring Break bro.

He made it through the application process, and by August he was interviewing with Lena, telling some story about a French chick he once tried to impress by jumping off a waterfall. This leads into a whole tour of his many scars and charms, all his various wounds, and it's great. Figures that the only worthwhile person on this show would end up being half-dead of vine puppetry and malaria and a tipped uterus.


Clark: "I've never seen this kid before, I don't know."
Tess: "That makes me pissy for some inscrutable reason."
Clark: "Fine, let's find some more footage of him. He is rather wonderful."

Tess, verbatim: "Cell phone, holds GPS coordinates like breadcrumbs, might have pictures, video."
Nobody: Actually talks like that.

Kurt suggests that they give him quinine for the malaria, and Lincoln fusses at him about that for some reason, but whatever, Kurt knows what he's talking about and Lincoln never ever does, so he sends the kid off to scrape trees for quinine while Tess plays with Jonas's phone and Lena says "Whiskey Tango Foxtrot" into the radio some more.

Lincoln is bleeding for some reason, so Lena patches him up and tells him the Big Secret that she was the one who hired Jonas into the Doomed Mission. As usual, she's acting sketchy for no possible reason, and I have no time for that, so whatever. Let Lincoln comfort her about whatever she is feeling guilty about this week.

Down below, the Valenzuelas fight about something similarly inscrutable, and Emilio throws a piece of paper down on the floor; upstairs, Clark and AJ watch more old footage of Emilio and Jonas being cute and running into insects and common Amazonian mishaps...


...Until Jonas catches a tribe doing some kind of ritual all in white, middle of the day, where apparently the Elder decides it's time to bounce and then wanders off into the jungle to die. Hmm, because that's what this show is about. So Cole tells Jonas to have some respect and stop filming, and Jonas tries to explain to him what a documentary is.

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The River




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