The River
A Better Man

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
The Condemned Man

Cole: "Death needs dignity, not ambition."
Jonas: "No way, I am taping this on my camera phone."


Clark: "...I think I like this Jonas."

Haha, how funny would it be if this ended up being the whole "cameras steal your soul" thing? How just delightfully bankrupt would it be in 2012 to make a TV show about that? Creatively speaking, I mean. Tune in next week, when we learn Emmet Cole's abandoned Coke bottle has started a whole new cargo cult, deep in the Boiuna!

While Jahel continues to act even sketchier than usual and Kurt takes over as the team doctor, Lincoln runs around the ship talking about how they need to turn around and take Jonas back to civilization or something.

Tess: "I'm not wasting a week taking that kid to safety."
Lincoln: "Aren't you the one who can't seem to shut up about getting more information as to Dad's whereabouts?"
Tess: "Yes, but in this episode I don't care. Frankly I wish we'd been five minutes late so he would have just died in those vines."
Linc: "What? That's nuts."
Tess: "But at least we wouldn't be having this conversation when there's phones for me to hack. I'm just saying seconds count. The kid nearly died, and if we're late to your Dad being in vines, he could die too."

Finally, Lincoln explains to her about how she is killing a kid, and she sniffs and bitches and acts all put-upon and finally agrees to lay off and not murder this person for zero reasons. Then a bird breaks its neck flying into the side of the boat, and they go out to investigate, and before you know it they are being bombarded by hundreds of dead birds falling out a clear, sunny sky.

You know what's super scary? Some birds.


Lena, Immediately: "I know what's going on."

So there's a massive storm on the way that apparently kills and hurls birds? Wrong, this is totally about the suicidal elders, watch. But how funny would it be if Lena was like, "In the Amazonian rain forest, every yin has a yang. We're going to need to build a catapult on the deck and slap those birds back up in the sky where they belong. That's the balance of harmony."

Jahel? Still acting weird and crying and staring accusatorily at everybody; ditto her dad, who does not want her being filmed even though she's doing absolutely nothing of interest. Clark is on the case, though. He goes back to the footage of them fighting and -- because in this episode he speaks Spanish -- uses magic video technology borrowed from CBS to zoom and enhance and overhear their conversation about the piece of paper or card he tore up. It takes forever, lots of rolling back and forth, and then finally: "El Colgado" is apparently the phrase she'll be uttering nonstop for the remaining 43 minutes of our time this week with the crew of the Magus. The Hanging Man.

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The River




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