The River
A Better Man

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
The Condemned Man


While the crew gets the Magus ready for the oncoming storm -- Tess even suggests that the supply boat guy come aboard, although of course he begs off because they are all crazy and obnoxious and constantly getting curses on them -- Clark comes out to harrass Jahel about El Colgado. (They are constructing some sort of wooden satellite dish or something on the roof of the boat, but I've learned not to question the Valenzuelas.)

Emilio: "It's nothing, just an old wives' tale. Different from all of the other old wives' tales in that it isn't totally true and about to happen to all of us, like in every other episode. It's about theft."

Jahel: "Specifically, if you steal then you will be cursed to 'hang forever,' whatever that means. In other news, Cappie is cursed and having him on this boat is going to get us all murdered, and also, that's not a storm coming."

Clark: "It's always so funny when you tell us exactly what's going to happen in the episode, and then we ignore you. Not ha-ha funny, but like,negligibly notable funny. Especially this time, since I can speak Spanish in this episode."


He is watching video in the editing bay, still looking pretty malarial. The vines were all over them -- no birds, as yet -- and dragging people all around the deck in the storm, and lots of screaming and yelling. The biggest screaming was coming from Cole, who was saying it was Cappie's fault. So Cappie takes that tape and wanders off into the ship, where he's discovered by Lincoln. They embrace manfully, and Cappie repeats the usual thing about how Lincoln's love of science and medicine was a failure both as a Cole and as a man, but not in a particularly mean way.

Lincoln: "How do you feel?"
Cappie, verbatim: "Malaria-ish?"
Lincoln: "So what, um, happened?"

Because he's a character on this show, not even Cappie can simply answer a direct question without going on some lexical walkabout with words no human would ever actually combine together, but essentially he is having trouble with the nature of reality, and would like to offer a comforting lie to Lincoln along the lines of, "I got separated from my crew, subsisted on grubs until malaria set in, and then tried to kill myself -- thanks for saving me."

Which, no, the preferable response if I'm being completely honest would be, "I was just hanging around waiting for you guys to pass by on your way up the River so that I could tell you to call it off, Dr. Emmet Cole is actually at a Cardinals game, here comes a helicopter, let's get you out of those wet clothes and into a nice Tempranillo and a hot shower, and then later on you can meet up at his hotel once you're good and damned ready."

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The River




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