The River
A Better Man

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
YOU GRADE IT
The Condemned Man

4 HOURS AGO

Lincoln: "Let me explain more about my medical education. It is real boring, but basically I was also into research over, say, the ER."
Clark: "Because the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon and conflict avoidance?"
Lincoln: "[Science words.]"
Clark: "So you don't want to save lives?"
Lincoln: "Do you not understand what medical research... is?"

PLAGUE TWO

I was wrong, it was giant locusts and not birds at all. So, more CGI insects. Maybe they will make the women make out with each other again, because that was so titillating.

Clark: "As a confirmed skeptic, I'd like to be the first to suggest that Jonas is actually the person who has brought this locust curse upon us."
Cappie, verbatim: "Yeah, because I can control bugs."
(Dr. Emmet Cole: "Funny thing is...")
Clark: "I'm just going on what that little mentally ill girl we keep on this boat for no reason told me about some random ghost stories."
Everybody: "Pattern recognition is not our strong suit, is it."
Clark: "So let's kill Jonas."

Tess: "Jahel, should we kill Jonas?"
Jahel: "Yeah."
Lincoln: "I resist that conclusion for no reason!"

Cappie falls down barfing, I guess because Kurt tried to poison him to death or because he never had malaria, but Lincoln brings him back to life using science or something.

SECRET MEETING

Tess: "Clark, stop bossing us around and trying to make us kill young men. I am the captain of this ship and I decide. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go stick my hand into a million locusts to retrieve his cell phone from outside. That's what I have to do."

When she does, she is so fucking proud of herself.

I CANNOT DIE FOR I AM FULL OF VINES

Cappie: "Let me embrace you manfully once more!"
Lincoln: "We do seem to hold hands a lot. Glad you're not dying."
Jahel: "Can I read your Tarot cards real fast?"

Yeah she did. That's how this show rolls.

Lincoln pulls the Hanged Man over and over, and they're like, "What a spooky coincidence!" This goes on for a really long time, I mean, she shuffles the cards in a variety of ways.

Lincoln: "Well, I guess I am convinced."
Cappie: "Please don't kill me. I've already died at least twice on this episode alone."

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The River

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