The River
Dr. Emmet Cole

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
El Monkeychupa! The Sucker Of Monkeys!


Dr. Emmet Cole told Russ to just chill because the Boiuna was testing them and I guess they were failing, since everybody kept dying. Cole and the two remaining crew members took off, leaving Russ to his ghost-piratey fate -- and then somehow the boat got back to where we originally found it and we followed his path once again, right up to where Russ's daughter Lena got to watch him die again. And it was hilarious!

DAY 28

Lena: "Cappy, please stop filming me. It's creepy enough with Lincoln stalking around the boat and staring all the time."

Linc: "Let's backtrack and take her back to civilization, since she now knows what happened to her dad. Now she knows that he was kept chained up in the hold of a zombie boat, even though he was also a zombie. Her tale is told."
Tess: "First of all, today is probably going to be the day we find my husband, Dr. Emmet Cole. And secondly, fuck that girl. I haven't said one word to her on this entire show. She can continue to skulk mournfully around for as long as it takes."
Lena: "Tess is right. I'm no less helpful standing here being sulky than I was before, when all I did was stand around and sulk and sometimes play the accordion or activate the Wikipedia in my head to answer questions nobody asked, about the stupidest things."
Linc: "You are a hero, my lady."
Lena: "Let's be honest."


Per Russ's instructions, the crew tramps in one day what we'll see took Pike's Away Team about a week to do.

Lincoln: "Want to eat some worms?"
Tess: "Kinda. I feel bad about forcing Lena to go through with this ridiculous exercise."
Lincoln: "I've felt that way this entire time and I don't see you cryin' for me. Listen, I know what it is to come to terms with your father's death. I already did that six months ago, before you and your boyfriend decided to emotionally blackmail me onto this mission to find my dad's dead body and watch us both freak out on it."
Tess: "I don't even care if he's a zombie or a golem, I just can't seem to imagine life without my wizard husband."

They do one of those game-show things where everybody splashes around looking for clues! Somebody finds a knife and identifies it as so-and-so's knife! Somebody finds a sweater vest! A bandanna! All of which are identified as belonging to people! A fondue set! Finally Linc finds Russ's camera bag, which is chock-full of video equipment and tapes that apparently the indigenous people edited together, packed right back up and left under a waterfall.*

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The River




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