The River
Dr. Emmet Cole

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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El Monkeychupa! The Sucker Of Monkeys!

Here, I was going to pause to write you a sexy rap about Lee Tergesen and what it might be like to get it on with him, but the only thing that rhymes with Lee Tergesen is "Clarissa's brother Ferguson," and that mental image, well, it took the wind right out of my sails. (No offense to gingers. Gingers, this isn't about you.)

They go into that conversation we've already seen, about how the Boiuna is trying to test them, and then we come back to the parts we haven't seen.

Cole: "Lena would be nigh unimpressed with your lack of gumption, sir."
Russ: "Don't talk about my daughter! Don't bring her into it!"
Cole: "She's already into it! She has a crazy birthmark apparently she's never noticed before!"

Russ beats the shit out of Cole while Lena cries, reminding us of that conversation where she talked about how Cole would sacrifice her to this but do anything to keep his real family out of it. Nobody can believe how nuts this little movie is even just from the very beginning.

Finally they heave and ho and calm down, and Cole tells Russ he's going to be missing some major shit if he pussies out.

Salsa: "I am not pussying out."
Redshirts: "Neither are we."
Cole: "Cool, I'm going to get everybody killed. Let's go!"
Russ: "I'll just wait here until the ghost-pirate eco-terrorists come."

FOUR WHOLE DAYS LATER EVEN THOUGH IT TAKES OUR GUYS FIVE SECONDS

Cole: "Don't you just love nature?"
Redshirt: "I love it! Also when people annoyingly spout Kipling poems."
Cole: "I can do that too. You know, Clark wouldn't let me do that if he were producing it. Because he has taste."

(Clark: "It's true. That was dead boring. And pretentious.")

Cole: "Check out that monkey chewing on a vine! Let's chew on vines!"
Redshirt: "Where are we going, though."
Cole: "No! I am not going to tell you, just giggle. We are going to meet some forest spirit people that don't get sick because of the pendulum of life and death. They used to cut up their backs like they were taking off wings, because they thought they were angels."
Redshirts: "They sound tremendously crazy."
Cole: "Give me a minute."

He talks more crazy about the line between life and death and all that stuff. Our crew is half-bored, half-weirded. The Source and Dr. Emmet Cole's beautiful face and kooky crazy eyeballs, and that's all it is for awhile.

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The River

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