The River
Dr. Emmet Cole

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
El Monkeychupa! The Sucker Of Monkeys!

Blink and you'll miss it, but in terms of the "mythology" such as it is, that is literally the only new fact we are going to learn. I mean, besides the ongoing revelations about Emmet's whereabouts obviously.


Cole: "Don't you guys love the rain? It's so natural and wet!"
Redshirts: "Fuck the rain."
Cole: "Don't you guys love fishing? And singing songs and hearing stories about my wife?"
Redshirts: "Noooooo"
Cole: "Man, that woman is a rock. Blah blah blah. Here's the interesting thing about Ron Paul, yadda-yadda. I think we should make marijuana legal and then tax it, bloo blee blah."

(Tess: "It's true. I am a very interesting and pleasant woman. Except on the parts of this show the audience sees, I mean. To hear me spoken of, I have many virtues.")

Cole: "Here's a funny story. We had a daughter, Alice, before Lincoln was born. She died. In case you were wondering if I had a cardboard character reason for being so obsessed with the Source and zombies and the angel people of the Boiuna. Anyway, Tess was really supportive or whatever. Until thirty years later when I remembered that I missed our dead daughter, blew my entire mind out with psychotropic drugs and then ran off into the Amazon for no rational reasons."

Redshirts: "Man, you're not afraid to dump your purse out right in the jungle, huh? Thank God our pot didn't get wet."

(Tess: "That story paints me in a very positive light. Maybe I should just marry this videotape.")

Girl Redshirt: "There's magic out there!"
Cole: "Look, I said no blow-jobs."
Girl Redshirt: "I don't think that you have correctly estimated the level of my daddy issues. Even on this show, they are wild."

El Monkeychupa: "Here I come, whistling!"

It's actually a very cool effect, sort of fractal twisting of the leaves, as something very large but not bulky, less solid than that. Like a monster made of wind. It is beautiful. I could watch a whole movie where the bad guy is just that. Or the good guy. Anyway, that's when we lose Boy Redshirt. Who loses his shirt. Then the skin underneath the shirt. For he is just meat.

Cole: "I guess he didn't pass the Boiuna test either. Man, not many people seem to pass this test or not getting murdered by ghosts."
(Crew: "We lost, like, one Jew. What is wrong with these people.")
Girl Redshirt: "I have lost my goddamn mind!"

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The River




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