The River
Dr. Emmet Cole

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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El Monkeychupa! The Sucker Of Monkeys!

She screams, runs around, loses her shit. Perhaps, in a certain way, a different way, she too has become too magical for blowjobs.

Reason #243 that nature sucks.

MEANWHILE

Everybody can't believe how exciting this is! Oh, how they stare and jump around. It's like watching those endless dumb commercials for Paranormal Thingtivity where you're like, "Ah, those people seem to be terrified of what is happening in that movie. I must find out for myself what it is!" Only instead of regular American goofball theater audiences, it's jerks like Lincoln and Tess.

WHISTLE STOP MONKEYCHUPAS OF THE FRIED GREEN NATURE HOST

Finally Cole has a brain wave of whistling that song he made up while he was high on dragonfly back at the Monkeychupa, a literal whistling in the dark if you will, and the thing goes away. So while in some cases it seems making some grand silly self-sacrificing gesture appeases the monsters, and more often than that it involves digging up whatever asshole white person broke the sacred laws of the indigenous people, sometimes it's also just whistling. So I hope if you ever hit the Whammy of that one, out of all the ghosts, well I hope you went crazy and made up a song a week before, or else you are fucked. Or make one up really fast, hell. Maybe the Monkeychupa just likes listening to somebody whistle. I knew a baby like that once.

Cole: "I am going to act like a total cult leader now."
Redshirt: "That works on me because I am the kind of girl that tries to fuck my TA."

WHERE'D YOU PUT THE KEYS, GIRL?

Cole: "Redshirt! Where did you go?"

Dear Cole, my nickname Rabbit is a Native American symbol of fear. I left you a camera.

Cole: "Guess I'm my own cameraman for the rest of the episode. That's fine. I can talk even more crazy when nobody's around."

(He does.)

Later, he spends like three hours trying to make a fire, and starts crying because he can't make a fire with wet wood, and then he remembers that he has wizard powers to make a fire with his wizard hands, so he... does that. After like hours. He even talks to the dog about making a fire before he remembers this ability.

Uh, if you could make fire with wizard hands, you best believe that you would be doing that shit all the time. This part is just not that believable.

(Lincoln: "Man, my dad is better than me at everything. Even things that aren't real.")

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The River

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