PREVIOUSLY

A series of barely connected, spooky adventures brought the makeshift crew of the ill-starred Magus ever closer to Dr. Emmet Cole and probably zombies. Scary dolls, a Smoke Monster, and a whimsically misfortunate matriarch comprise the afflictions with which we've been beset, as well as a know-it-all young woman and... Well, a whole boatload of jerks, really. But since the show doesn't seem to really give a shit about them, neither will we. Really takes the pressure off. And so down the River we go.

JULY 2002

Turns out there are sixteen species of sharks that will devour each other in the womb, so programmed are they to prevail. Clark finds that funny, of course, and Cole just finds it interesting. Of course Tess was like, "Why do we always have to talk about such horrid things on this nature program, such as nature?"

DAY ELEVEN

Clark, undeterred than as now by Tess's constant stream of nonsense, pauses in his review of the random footage so he can stare at her picture on the screen until Lincoln shows up: There may be a new clue as to Dr. Cole's whereabouts.

Lena: "By analyzing the color of these rocks in some random footage, it's possible that we've discovered another futile place to look for Dr. Cole in this wild goose chase."
Tess: "WE LEAVE AT DAWN! I have a feeling that today's the day we find my husband, Dr. Emmet Cole."

DAY TWELVE

While the whole crew makes their way through yet more Amazonian rain forest, we revisit backstory for a few people by asking the central question, "Why are you here, involved in this crackpot scheme?"

Kurt: "For sketchy German reasons having to do with money and also probably zombies."
Emilio: "Some racist hokum about how I was in jail. Seems Dr. Cole was the Sandra Bullock of my redemption."
Jahel: "Because my father won't let me out of his sight."
Tess: "My prospects are otherwise limited."
Lincoln: "Sheer emotional blackmail."
Lena: "To share my wealth of knowledge on many subjects, and to fulfill my destiny as the liberator of zombies."

Tess: "Why is it always raining in this rain forest? We have no time for sleeping."
Clark: "Let everybody rest."
Tess: "Under no circumstances. Today's the day!"