The River
Los Ciegos

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
The Blinded


Before AJ was a cameraman, he was a miner. There was a cave-in in his mine and he was terrified and very much in pain. Now he works a camera for a nature show with the one caveat that he won't be going into any caves.

Not to offer unasked-for advice, but maybe an office job? Something in sales? Perhaps something in the creative arts? Anything, really, that doesn't involve going into nature, where caves are? Because did you know that most jobs, when you consider all jobs that there are, don't involve being threatened with caves?

AJ: "Clark, what did I tell you when you hired me for this job? I'll chase a tornado and fight a sea lion with my bare hands, but I certainly won't be going into any caves."
Clark: "Yes, and I presumed that you were kidding, because that is fucking ludicrous."
AJ: "And yet."
Clark: "Well, since this episode is one long unconnected series of reasons for everybody to act shitty toward you for no reason, I'll just accept that at face value. Emilio, you are now a cameraman."


There is yet another well-meaning white person who has fallen to disaster. This one is an eyeless voluntourist who has been disemboweled.

Jahel: "You know what, I bet it was those guys I was telling you about."

While AJ flips out in the clearing outside the caves, these fools make their way down. There's a sort of squealing whistle, so they head straight for it. There's a room of these glittering lights everywhere, so the crew assumes the patented position of staring around themselves in wonder... only to find themselves beset by a million bats!

Stumbling back out, covered in batshit, they find AJ laughing at them. This is all it takes to turn everybody against him for the remainder of the episode and beyond, and that night they ostracize him from their campfire. Because he laughed at them for being chased by bats. Everybody acts steely and butt-hurt to the best of their ability, to sell this idea, but it seems like it would have been easier to just come up with a reason for them to actually be angry at him that didn't involve cartoon logic.

Lena: "Let me cut your hair for you, Lincoln. Because you look like a junkie, and also because there is batshit in it. Hey, do you think it's safe out here?"
Lincoln: "You simple monster, what so far in our experiences would lead you to believe anything like that could be remotely true?"
Lena: "I was just making conversation."

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The River




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