The River

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: B+ | Grade It Now!
The Dry Spirit

Stupid CGI Dragonflies: "Spielberg alert! Never lose your sense of wonder!"
Everybody: "This is such a special moment where we all stare into space at nothing!"
Lincoln: "Nature, I guess you got me this time. With those neat CGI dragonflies. I guess science really is a great big wonder and discoveries aren't made in a lab."

The Amazon: "Yeah, well. In addition to being a physical location for the Quest, I also represent primal nature, the unconscious, and the spiritual and instinctual demands of the human soul. So. Expect more of that, is all I'm saying."
ABC's The River: "Making me a slightly less-racist version of The Voyage Of The Dawn Treader, basically."
Jahel: "Also the whole reason I can't speak English."


Everybody: "We found the boat! Man, is it jacked up. Let's roam around with our video cameras noting how jacked up it is. Way more interesting to watch than read about in a recap."

Something: "Boom! Ack!"
Clark: "It's coming from the safe we modified into a panic room in case of piracy!"
Tess: "I'm convinced today's the day we find my husband, Dr. Emmet Cole!"

The panic room is soldered shut from the outside, so they decide to have Kurt saw it open, because what pirates would do is maybe solder you in there to take your stuff. That makes sense. But if for some reason that is not Dr. Cole in there (Spoiler: It is not!), it might have been smart to leave a note by the door saying, "Do not saw this shit open because there is some bad news going on inside." And I mean, I guess the huge scratches on the walls and the liberal coating of blood all over the place could serve that purpose, but what you have to remember about a scary movie is that the people don't know they're in a scary movie.

Meanwhile, Clark gets the Magus cameras going, so that we can have more angles and shots for the next seven episodes to follow, and that part was kinda neat: The generator starts up, the cameras come up one by one, and he's right there in the editing bay watching all of this happen as we get like twenty or fifty angles on every part of the boat. It's like this thing was made specifically for a documentary or found-footage television program or something -- which, both inside and outside the story, of course, it was.

Valenzuelas: "For all our hysterical suspicion and superstition about -- apparently -- everything, not to mention the fact that we're right about pretty much all of it, we sure are happy to help these white people with whatever they need."

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The River




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