The River

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
Ghostland Conservatory
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description!

XMAS '98

Cole: "Lincoln, play guitar with me for Xmas! So everybody on TV can see us being father and son!"
Cole: "Lincoln, put down that eponymous teddy bear!"
Cole: "Lincoln, stop being a child and do the things I want you to do! I have designated right now to be parenting time! We must have fun in my way!"

Lincoln: "I wish I had a The River I could skate away on."
Cole: "Lena, you get a hat. You're secretly my favorite."
Clark: "This is gay. Christmas is stupid."
Tess: "But can't you see what a great father he is being?"


They still haven't broken the whirlybird camera; the Valenzuelas are still joyful in their labor of keeping this boat going.

Clark: Breaks the whirlybird camera.
AJ: "And you know, our previous second cameraman got his head taken off by a ghost."

AJ: "Hi, Jahel!"
Jahel: "[Spanish.]"
AJ: "You're pulling a Jin, huh? Never going to learn English until some random point for shock?"
Jahel: "[Or I'm just doing this to annoy you. Or because it's symbolic.]"

Crew: "So we have to find those guys that went missing, but we don't know where to look, because it turns out those archival tapes aren't in any kind of order."
Lena: "Luckily, Cole had a bug bite on his thumb that got more and more infected, until presumably he became a zombie..."
Everybody: "Gross. And boring."
Lena: "...Until presumably he became a zombie, so we can go through all the tapes looking for his infection as it developed, and that will tell us a rough order of tapes we can go by. And whether or not there are zombies on this show."

One thousand hours of this guy's thumb getting more and more infected. One begins to understand the Herculean Task of the Maysles Brothers, long ago in East Hampton, simply by watching this part.

Lincoln: "The audience may wonder why we're not getting the fuck out of this horrible, haunted, filthy, infecting location."
Clark: "Well, some of us have a reason to be looking for him. Like he's our dad or our girlfriend's husband."
Lincoln: "Okay, but like what about the people that don't have those reasons? Like the scary German, or the Valenzuelas?"
Clark: "Listen, Audience. I am about tired of you, so I'm only going to explain this once, in a scene designed strictly for this purpose. Kurt leaves, we will be murdered. Emilio and Jahel leave, the boat will instantly stop moving and we will be murdered. Any more stupid questions, Audience?"
Audience: Goes and fucks themselves.
Clark: "That's what I thought."

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The River




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