The River

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
Flying Dutchman

So now they are stuck. Tess will, I'm sure, deal with this situation with her usual tact and aplomb. Right until something terrible happens to her, that does not kill her but is only a tease. But first, she will climb right up the asses of the Valenzuelas like a bored OC housewife.

Everybody: "Yep, our shit is broken."
AJ: "We're stranded! In the middle of the bloody Amazon!"
Everybody: "Yes, that is the situation. Thanks for saying it out loud."
Tess: Screams WTF into the radio for a million years from various angles, slowly winding down into crazytown.

DAY 23

Tess: "If it takes the rest of my life I am going to keep saying WTF into this radio because today is the day we're going to find my husband Dr. Emmet Cole. With each episode I become more and more of a freaky one-note harridan. Good thing I'm so beautiful and such a good actor. Good thing, too, that it is physically impossible to be more annoying than Lena."


Cappy: "Freaking out about your Dad, huh? I found some footage of him that will either cheer you up or send you down an unfathomable emotional spiral."
Lena: "Would you believe both? I can do both."
Cappy: "I'm counting on it. Do you know what happens to a guy during a hanging? I'm pent-up to the point of exploding like those giant nuts Boiuna natives use to contain baby corpses and Smoke Monsters."

Lee Tergesen: "I am the hottest person in the entire universe. Welcome to an hour of me."

Lena: Watches the video of her wildly hot father, and somehow both cheers up and loses her shit some more. What the boys call prime pickins.
Lincoln: "That is exactly the kind of shit I should be doing to her. Cappy, you genius bastard!"


Tess is still on the radio, saying the same shit over and over. Is still, additionally, the worst.

Meanwhile, Linc and Kurt have an awfully convenient fight about some shit that doesn't even make sense, like they're really going to head out into the jungle at random instead of figuring out how to fix their boat. It's called The River, not the The Amazing Hike. Just as they're pretending to strike out, of course, a ship hails them calling itself the good ship...


Tess: "Ahoy! I am the boss here, so you can call me Captain! I will spend Clark's money on your spare parts! And act really harsh and offputting and obsessive the whole time!"
Pirates: "That's cool, we're going to act incredibly sketchy so that literally anything could be going on with us. Also, we are eco-terrorists or some shit."
Tess: "Well, you are invited for dinner!"

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The River




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