The River

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
Flying Dutchman


Cappy: "Lena, are you doing Lincoln?"
Lena: "Have you met that dude? No way."
Cappy: "Well, did you take his virginity?"
Lena: "No comment."

Cappy: "Cool. Hey, is that a ghost or zombie on their haunted ship?"
Lena: "Nothing in the last twenty-three days would lead me to entertain that possibility. Perhaps we should investigate further, without telling anybody, while they get more and more drunk."

Everybody Meanwhile: Drinks bourbon and sings ghostly pirate songs, except for Captain Davy Jones and one of the other ones, who sneak off to have a pirate fight.

Kurt: "I am naturally suspicious, so I will investigate."
Pirates: "What's important here, what the gist is, is that we lure all of them to our ship and then turn them into zombies!"
Kurt: "That makes me... even more suspicious."


Kurt: "Why am I on this mission? Didn't we already have this conversation?"
Clark: "It's an easy way to point up the cardboard characterization this show is all about."
Kurt: "Fine. I'm here because I'm getting paid to be here."
Clark, impossibly smug: "But don't you also secretly love us?"
Kurt, impossibly, period: "...Yeah."


Kurt straps one thousand guns to himself because guns are all he loves; also, these people are stealing his thing because killing these bitches before they find the Source is his whole thing. Everybody else keeps drinking, except that pussy Lincoln and, of course, the Valenzuelas who are not getting paid to fucking sit around.

Cappy: "Meanwhile, let's go over to Penny's Boat and make out!"
Lena: "Remember the last time you filmed ghosts without their signed consent?"
Cappy: "It's funny when you joke around about my unending torture suspended between life and death."
Lena: "I'll go with you, because I am a complete dolt, but I won't make out with you. Just to get murdered, that's the only reason."

Sympathetic Lady: "Your devotion to your husband is a charming thing about you."
Tess, continuing to act like a bitch for no reason: "It's the only thing! Have a steaming cup of rudeness!"
Sympathetic Lady: "That's a lot easier to take when I know I'm just here to kill you."


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The River




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