The River

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
Flying Dutchman


Jahel: "Lincoln, here are the things you need to know about zombies. First of all, there's a whole deal about trading living souls for theirs that causes them to wake up in ghostly zombie bodies every day at sunrise, which is in five minutes. Secondly, you can set them on fire and that easily will solve the problem."
Lincoln: "I am weirded out!"

Kurt: "This darn door, I bet it won't give way before my amazing Teutonic body until exactly before sunrise."


In about three seconds, it all goes down: Kurt gets them free, they flood up onto the deck, Clark and Lincoln arrive with flares, they set all the zombies on fire, everything looks like zombies sometimes, and somehow they get all the ghost people locked in the boat and then set that on fire. The urgency is mostly created by somebody punching the camera in the side of the head over and over like a grade-school bully, plus flashes of zombieness.

Once again, Tess survives.


Russ: "But of course I cannot go with you! For I am already dead, like I told you a million times."
Lena: "I am going to throw such a fit!"
Russ: "That's fine, but I am going to keep turning into a zombie intermittantly until they drag your ass away."
Lena: "I am throwing such a fit!"
Russ: "The thing is, you have a larger role to play. As evidenced by that oddly shaped birthmark on your neck, and Cole constantly talking about being Strong Enough."
Lena: "All I know is how to be an insufferable swot and play annoying instruments!"
Russ: "Don't talk about yourself that way! You will also turn everyone into zombies later!"

Russ catches on fire, and it is mortifying to watch. Davy Jones screams on the other side of the door, while he also catches on fire. Everything begins to explode. Lena doesn't seem to get that.

Russ: "The cat's in the cradle! I love you, Peaches!"
Lena: "I love crying and screaming!"
Lincoln: "I love comforting you while also holding you down so you don't run onto that exploding boat like an idiot. And smelling your hair."
Zombies: "Jesus, this guy's a pussy."


Russ Landry, 1960-2011


Believing that today is the day they will finally find her husband, Dr. Emmet Cole, Tess finds some random video or something that leads everybody to a military base that is presumably chock-full of zombies.

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The River




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