What Dr. Emmet Cole would like to tell you about the magic and the Source and what he has learned from the Boiuna is: Jack nothing. Why does Lena have this birthmark and what is her whole deal? He doesn't feel like saying why, so we will never know why. He just wants to act testy and brood, like the rest of his shitty family, and wait for some more terrible things to happen. Luckily, he hasn't long to wait.
After Clark gets AJ to admit he's gay -- no, that doesn't happen for any reason either, really; just happens -- some mysterious villain decides to shoot the Cole men while they're talking about that cat in the cradle they're always talking about. "Dad, why were so interested in your career?" "I don't know, son, I guess I'm just selfish." "But Dad, I'm also incredibly selfish. So who is this really about?" "Well, we're the only two straight white American men on this show, so that narrows it down somewhat, but..."
I guess the person was aiming at Emmet, because this is the best time to kill him -- rather than when he was in a coma, or when he was a dragonfly pupa and didn't know what the heck was going on -- but they hit Lincoln instead! Lincoln dies! T.B.T.L.! Tess Cole deals with this in her usual businesslike, cool-as-a-cucumber way, where she doesn't get hysterical or make it all about her or hurl baseless accusations in every direction or scream until the hair stands up on your arm. None of that, no.
Presuming it was Kurt -- based on the fact that Kurt is constantly talking about how he's about to kill Emmet but never does -- the crew locks him up. Jahel stops warning them not to mess with mystic forces just long enough to suggest that they mess with some mystic forces and bring Lincoln Cole back from the dead.
So then they do that. Tess is like, "Oh, we just have to contact the spirit of the Boiuna itself -- also known as El Boiuna, the Black Snake, the God of Ghosts and Demons -- and he'll bring Lincoln back to life, no strings?" and Jahel is like, "Yeah, I heard it on the CB radio that was just static noise" and Tess is like, "Isn't that interesting" and then before you know it there's Tarot cards flying around and Jahel is cutting Tess up so she'll bleed all over the magic, and then Lincoln is back! A person who has died and then comes back to life thanks to the ghost spirit of a river demon god, you would expect them to look a little gaunt, or wasted or strung out or something. But with Lincoln, how would you know? How could you be expected to know?
Well, it turns out that Jonas was the one that killed him -- How come? No real reason -- and so Lincoln, who is of course demon-god possessed by the God of Demons, punches his throat out of him, and that's the end of Cappie. And the sad part is that not one of those dicks is like, "We should do a blood ritual to bring back Cappie like we did Lincoln." Because he just doesn't matter. Then Boiuna-Lincoln goes to beat hell out of Kurt for being part of that German cell of terrorists that apparently exists to keep people from finding the Source, which the Boiuna considers quite rude, because that's his job. But it's only once he kisses the horrible Lena that Emmet realizes he is possessed, and they chain him to a table.
Lincoln pins Lena to the ceiling with Darth Vader powers, and catches Emmet's hands on fire with that kind of powers, and meanwhile Jahel's dad tells her that her mom was also psychic and that she is in a mental institution or something, and none of that has any bearing on anything either. They force-feed Lincoln a dragonfly -- because nine times out of ten, that does help -- but the demon inside him just chews it up and spits it in Emmet's face. That was the best!
That, and when Lincoln makes fun of Lena for being sucky and stupid and having a crush on him, and then tells everybody that Clark fucked Tess. Those were also the best. Finally they remember how they locked up Kurt way back before Lincoln got possessed and beat him up, so they let him out and he explains that the Boiuna will only get out of Lincoln if Emmet tells him that he's sorry about not just the cat in the cradle -- which he does -- but also the silver spoon, and then for extra credit he also apologizes for both Little Boy Blue and the Man In The Moon.
It goes on and on, forever. I like to imagine sometimes that there will come a day on which every Baby Boomer man's father comes to him -- having built the cornfield baseball diamond as commanded -- and these fathers will say these things, apologize for these things and say that you are good enough and he's sorry he missed your school play or whatever, things of this nature, and finally the Baby Boomer men will stop fucking crying about it and find something new to whine about at all hours of the day and night. But I think it's more likely that we'll just have to wait until you die.
Anyway, they finally get the demon out of Lincoln using the magic power of a white man's paternal affection and unconditional acceptance, and then they all drive back to civilization in their boat. Except what's this? The Boiuna is not interesting in letting them go home, so it starts moving around on them, until they are just up a creek without a paddle, and that's the last second of this dumb show we'll ever have to see. The End.
The wracked scow of human refuse known as the Magus inflicted its crew's debased madness on every native and unquiet spirit it came across, until finally finding the pupa for which it sought so long: The half-wizard, half-dragonfly, all Peter Pan Syndrome zombiefucker known as Dr. Emmet Cole. And, having found the Caucasian patriarch that gives all our lives meaning, they were happy once more to depart.
But will the jungle stay trampled, the river sullied? Or will it rise up against the white flood in one final triumphant shout? If dumbass Tess has anything to say about it: Yes. Accidentally, yes. This is the story of how one woman's irritating, compulsive personality led to the horrific deaths of at least three different expedition crews.
THE DAY BEFORE THE DAY THE MUSIC DIED
There was magic out there, but L'il Lena was more interested in climbing into bed with L'il Linc. Not like that -- not like she obviously is now -- but when they were super little. As children do. She loved to hear Lincoln's reedy little voice sing the eponymous nursery rhyme, which I guess is because they're on a boat. I don't know many songs about being on a boat, actually. And the ones I can think of, I hate.
Clark: "I'm going to call this show The Final Voyage Of The Magus, because of how many of us are ever going to be getting on another fucking boat? Probably like eight episodes or so? And it'll be a huge flop, because of its racist, fake barely-there mythology, sure, but mostly because all of us have only just enough personality to be off-putting and no more. Maybe it will go to Netflix, which is code for Maybe I will finally admit that it sucks and will be happy with whatever I get."
Emmet & Tess, fucking: "Will we be in it, fucking?"
Clark: "Nobody wants to see that. Except me, with my gross old ass."
AJ: "Will I be in it?"
Clark: "Yes. To the extent that you are gay and black."
AJ: "...How did you know I was black?"
Jonas: "Will I be in it? Also -- is that camera on? -- I totally forgive Emmet for leaving my magic-tortured body hanging in that tree one time, and won't try to kill him later. P.S.: That was a lie, even though the whole thing was actually my fault."
Jahel's Dad, Whatever His Name Is: "Will I be in it? And my whore daughter's dity pillows?"