The River
Row, Row, Row Your Boat

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 1 USERS: A+
The Dead Weight Of You


The wracked scow of human refuse known as the Magus inflicted its crew's debased madness on every native and unquiet spirit it came across, until finally finding the pupa for which it sought so long: The half-wizard, half-dragonfly, all Peter Pan Syndrome zombiefucker known as Dr. Emmet Cole. And, having found the Caucasian patriarch that gives all our lives meaning, they were happy once more to depart.

But will the jungle stay trampled, the river sullied? Or will it rise up against the white flood in one final triumphant shout? If dumbass Tess has anything to say about it: Yes. Accidentally, yes. This is the story of how one woman's irritating, compulsive personality led to the horrific deaths of at least three different expedition crews.


There was magic out there, but L'il Lena was more interested in climbing into bed with L'il Linc. Not like that -- not like she obviously is now -- but when they were super little. As children do. She loved to hear Lincoln's reedy little voice sing the eponymous nursery rhyme, which I guess is because they're on a boat. I don't know many songs about being on a boat, actually. And the ones I can think of, I hate.


Clark: "I'm going to call this show The Final Voyage Of The Magus, because of how many of us are ever going to be getting on another fucking boat? Probably like eight episodes or so? And it'll be a huge flop, because of its racist, fake barely-there mythology, sure, but mostly because all of us have only just enough personality to be off-putting and no more. Maybe it will go to Netflix, which is code for Maybe I will finally admit that it sucks and will be happy with whatever I get."

Emmet & Tess, fucking: "Will we be in it, fucking?"
Clark: "Nobody wants to see that. Except me, with my gross old ass."

AJ: "Will I be in it?"
Clark: "Yes. To the extent that you are gay and black."
AJ: "...How did you know I was black?"

Jonas: "Will I be in it? Also -- is that camera on? -- I totally forgive Emmet for leaving my magic-tortured body hanging in that tree one time, and won't try to kill him later. P.S.: That was a lie, even though the whole thing was actually my fault."

Jahel's Dad, Whatever His Name Is: "Will I be in it? And my whore daughter's dity pillows?"

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The River




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