The River
Row, Row, Row Your Boat

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 1 USERS: A+
The Dead Weight Of You

Jahel: "Breasts! They're called breasts, Momma! And all women have 'em!"
Clark: "Hey, what if you had it all to do again?"
Emilio, That's His Name: "I mean, I owe Emmet Cole a lot of vague racist favors. Like I was in jail or a drug cartel or something."
Clark: "Yeah, but would you?"
Emilio: "What's the English way to say Are you fucking retarded? I'm unpleasant!"


Tess: "Think of the Boiuna as a giant mystical parking garage. Now that we have come all the way back past all the horrible locations, the GPS will be able to find us again. And then we can go home."

Philosophy: "But what is home, really?"
Clark: "Is it being... gay?"

AJ: "Fine. The reason you didn't know I was gay is that I didn't have the opportunity to do gay behaviors, like quote 'go clubbing.' You know, like gay people are always doing."
Clark: "We are on the stupidest fucking show."

Jonas: "I am horny. Lena won't sleep with me, and Tess's personality makes me want to vomit. Which ones are gay? I thought all of them."
Jahel: "What about me? I used to get interested in boys, before Daddy gave me my 'special surgery.'"
Lincoln: "I am horny. For hard drugs. And suddenly -- and for no reason -- for my estranged father's approval."

Lena: "I have so many thoughts on the meaning of the lyrics to the song 'Row, Row, Row Your Boat.' Which I will now be sharing with you."
Lincoln: "This kind of shit is why I could never love you. Why no one could ever love you. You are just not as interesting as you seem to think you are."

Lena, just to have it here on paper: "I always thought that it meant that life back home was real and life on the boat was a dream, but... the time on the boat on the stream, on the river... that was real life. Then I grew up."
Jacob: "Oh, up yours. What does that even fuckin' mean? Go have another seizure at REI if you're so desperately in need of attention."

Clark: "Well, that's enough diddling myself watching Tess fuck the man we both love. Time to get some [censored, super bad-ass f-bomb] answers."


Crew: "Emmet, what was this show about in reality?"
Emmet: "Nothing."
Crew: "Are you sure?"
Emmet: "I mean, I thought there was magic and there was, but it was super shitty magic, and then I turned into a dragonfly, and there were zombies, and my friends died, and then the happy ending is that a boatload of the most egregious jerks ever collected in one place came and got me. And now you're up my ass. So..."

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The River




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