The River
Row, Row, Row Your Boat

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 1 USERS: A+
The Dead Weight Of You

Crew: "That's the whole thing? That's all there is to the Boiuna?"
Emmet: "Do you even care?"
Crew: "...No. Not really."

Emmet, ver-fuckin-batim: "The only part of me left is the husband and the father... I have a lot of making up to do."

Aaaaaaannnnnnnd that's how you know exactly what this episode is going to be about and exactly how that's going to go. It's gonna be some Spielberg nonsense where either Tess or Lincoln is about to go Into The Light and then Emmet Cole has to talk them into Choosing Life because in this way, with this one token stupid gesture, he instantly makes up for a lifetime of neglect and abuse. Then Tess or Lincoln will fall into his arms and they'll be a family, and Salsa the dog will be there, big group hug, soaring music, smiling fucking faces, shampoo commercial.

And that's when -- God willing -- Kurt opens fire on the lot of them. Just a hail of bullets. I would think about sticking with this show if that happened. So the opposite of that is... obviously, what's going to happen. They'll eat a healthy breakfast and then Emmet will look in the camera and go, "...And I'm a Mormon."


Emmet: "Hey, sorry about your dad. And your... whole ... thing you've got going on."
Lena: "He trusted you! As did I! I did all the vague things you asked me to do, which were never actually explained!"
Emmet: "I know, thanks. It really helped."
Lena: "Okay but what about this birthmark? What about my powers? What about the pendulum of life and death? What about the Source? What about my psychic seizure in the REI? What does it all mean?"
Emmet: "Nothing! I keep trying to tell you guys. This whole show is stupid. There was no point. Why can't you hear me?"

Lena: "All I know is, suddenly I'm mad at you for no reason. I'm going to go play my accordion angrily unless you tell me what the Source is."
Emmet: "First of all, give me a break that you even care about that. And second, your opinion of me is irrelevant. This isn't the story of a Man who Reconnects with his Friend's Boring Awful Daughter. It's the story of a Man who Gets to be the Dad and Husband -- despite selfishly tossing those things away -- because the only people that watch shows like this, over a certain age that knows better, are men who need to be reassured that they're doing an okay job in life."

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The River




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