The River
Row, Row, Row Your Boat

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 1 USERS: A+
The Dead Weight Of You


Clark: "That was really amazing how 'you' found him, even without maps or GPS or directions or skills of any kind."
Tess: "I think of it more as a group effort, since my contribution was limited to acting like an unhelpful bitch 100% of the time."
Clark, barfily: "No, it was you. You know, of all the things we saw out here, you just might be the most astonishing."

I refuse to be party to this conversation further.


Lincoln: "Is Lena pissed or is that just her face? I don't really care that much."
Emmet: "Thanks for coming to get me."
Lincoln: "This shit was not my idea. I'm glad you're okay, though."
Emmet: "Do you think we could have some kind of relationship?"
Lincoln: "Not until I torture you for a while, like the stunted petulant cunt that I am."
Emmet: "I am willing to wait. You know, this is just like when the dad ignores the son until he gets old and dumb and then he feels bad, but the son doesn't care about him because he is living his own life and neglecting his own children and the cycle continues."
Lincoln: "I don't know what you're talking about. Is that an episode of M*A*S*H or something?"
Emmet: "No, just the usual attention-seeking Boomer solipsism."

Somebody in Steering fires a gun at Dr. Emmet Cole, but somehow it's Lincoln that gets shot and then he dies. Oh well.

The end.


Everybody: "What happened?"
Tess: "[Just the unholy screaming. The total drama island of it all. If she were an X-Man she could probably fly just from how hard she's screaming. Somehow, unsurprisingly, it is all about her.]"
Everybody: "Why are you screaming like that? Are you hurt?"
Tess: "Yes! I have been shot! In the child!"
Everybody: "Oh my God, Tess. Get out of the way. Are we gonna have to hear about this all the way back? I can't do it twice."

Emmet: "I'm not so sure it was you or our kid that got shot. I think this is about me, because I almost got shot."

Tess, forever: "Who shot me in the son? Was it you? WAS IT YOU!? I have been SHOT!"
Emmet, pretending to be the rational one: "Whom do we think may have shot me in the maybe?"

Crew: "Let's all manufacture nonsense reasons that other people on the boat might have done it. For a really long time."

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The River




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