The River
Row, Row, Row Your Boat

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 1 USERS: A+
YOU GRADE IT
The Dead Weight Of You

Clark: "I may be jealous, but the cameras prove my innocence."
Crew: "Oh really? We're on a found footage TV show? Maybe there is some 'footage' we could 'find.'"
Clark: "Nope, all the cameras were 'down'."
Crew: "Then why did you say..."
Clark: "We're on a terrible show, is why."

Jonas & Lena: "We didn't do it!"
Crew: "Nobody cares about either of you. Hush."

Emmet: "Or was it Kurt?"
Tess: "Well, I did find him on Craigslist under 'Sketchy German Murderers With An Evangelistic Hatred Of Scientific Curiosity,' so..."
Kurt: "You idiots, if I was going to kill you, you would be dead. Do you have any idea how many opportunities I've had? And I mean that in a very uncreepy way. But I could give you an actual number."

Clark: "Hey! You also said into your secret satphone, numerous times and in several languages, that when Emmet found the Source you would shoot him!"
Tess: "That's an odd thing to have forgotten until just now."
Clark: "Well, I'm just wondering if maybe it has bearing on the current situation."
Kurt: "Hard as it is to believe..."
Tess: "Fuck logic! Tell your logic to my son and my husband and his maybe! They might have to be amputated! And I just got shot in the ship's doctor!"

They lock him up. Tess is really angry at him for (possibly) shooting her in both the son and the husband, now. And her husband in the maybe. It was pretty much a massacre from Tess's perspective, so she's being pretty bitchy. I mean, that's my guess. I can't really tell a difference in her mien, but based on dialogue I would say she's going to hold this one against him.

TIME FOR JAHEL TO PULL SOME RANDOM SHIT

CB Radio: "[Static?]"
Jahel: "Hello?"
CB Radio: "[Static!]"
Jahel: "Oh, hey Lincoln. "
CB Radio: "[Static.]"
Jahel: "You want me to what? Do a blood ritual and invoke your spirit back into your corpse?"
CB Radio: "[Static?]"
Jahel: "It's just that that is the exact opposite of my only thing I ever say in every other episode. If for some reason there were two Jahels in this episode, the other one would be yelling at me right now to not do this."

SIMPLY SECONDS LATER

Jahel: "Hey, Emmet and Tess? I have this idea where we do a dark magick blood ceremony and bring your son back to a hideous living death using the demonic power of the spirit of the Boiuna itself."

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The River

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