The River
Row, Row, Row Your Boat

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 1 USERS: A+
The Dead Weight Of You

Tess: "That sounds cool, tell me more."
Jahel: "You ever see Pet Sematary? It's like that. He'll be like a semblance of shambling, rotting life, and also bring back powerful demonic entities with him."
Tess: "Yeah, I'm still not seeing what the holdup is."
Emmet: "Tess, this is a bad idea."
Tess: "I guess so. Good thing I'm so stable and not-at-all obsessive, so you can leave me unattended for just a few minutes."


Jahel: "Okay, give me both your arms so I can stab you in them -- good -- and now I'm going to lay out Tarot cards for no reason -- got it -- okay, and now I'm going to sacrifice this goat -- he's a kicker! -- and now these babies -- whew, I think one of them needs changing -- and then I'm going to collect all the blood in a bowl and set it on fire with magic and then drink the fire blood and then it is going to shoot out of my face while an indoor hurricane blows all the Tarot cards around -- done -- and now I'm going to grow horns and hooves and my legs are going to bend backwards like I'm Natalie Portman -- Can you smell something? Like matches or something? -- and now... Oh, dude. Now I am possessed."

Emmet: "Ladies, what is going on down there?"
Tess: "Nothing! Let's go check on Linc's body and see if he is an undead revenant yet."

Linc: "Hey guys. What happened? Last thing I know I was being shot by somebody I may or may not be lying about, and then I woke up in the middle of a Satanic ritual with the oddest craving for human brains."

Or no, it's Linc, so he'd say like, "cerebellum." "I'm craving a little medulla oblongata."


Clark: "AJ? You getting this?"
AJ: "Every inch."


Crew: "How is this possible? It's not. But you're here and you're alive!"
Lincoln: "It is mysterious. Also, I know who killed me..."
Crew: "WHO?"
Lincoln: "...Is the name of my favorite Lindsay Lohan movie."
Lena: "What? Over Freaky Friday? Over Mean Girls, for God's sake?"
Lincoln: "Yeah. I have bad taste. Exhibit A, anyone? Anyway, yeah. It was Kurt. Duh."

Are they going to kill Kurt and start the whole deal over again? Will Kurt be the new Cam Travers?

(How on Earth do I remember Cam Travers's name? He wasn't even ever on the show. God, I hate this job sometimes. Three years from now you'll be like, "Who was in the giant baby-coffin nut, the Smoke Monster guy?" and I will say, "Producer Cam Travers, of course. I presume you're referring to the 2012 pilot of ABC's The River.")

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The River




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